The Ice Palace

Or Maybe that should say… still. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life in a long time. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. I feel like I just want to burst into tears all the time. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know how I could let someone in so deep that when they left it would devastate me this much. I frankly have no idea how I can recover from this and be the same person I was. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe this was the catalyst to create a change in me.

It was all a lie. S. started lying to me the minute he started talking to me. It’s hard to believe that this all started in December, maybe even November when I met him. It’s hard to believe that this wonderful, caring, loving, sweet man was nothing but a con artist. However, it’s true.

I sent him the following mail yesterday morning;

Dear Steve,

This is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it has to be done. I will probably always love you, or at least the person I thought you were. You came into my life when I wasn’t REALLY looking for anyone. I had been recently hurt and I was not sure about taking a chance on someone with little kids. I did though, and I fell hard. I guess I trusted you and felt more comfortable with you because you were from here. Home. I thought you would understand why I enjoy raising kids here, and the local festivals, and all that the coast has to offer. I thought that you and I were going to start a life together here, and it would be perfect. I just wanted love. I just wanted someone to call my own, who would love me unconditionally.YOU led me to this belief that I could have that with you, many many times. I feel like I was duped.

I let you into to a place I don’t let many people, and you took advantage of that. I loved you with my whole heart, and you broke that into a million little pieces. I trusted you enough to be around my family, and now my kids are let down too. How can you, as a person who wants to heal people, come into another person’s life and do what you have done? WHY? Why would you take another human being’s heart and just stomp all over it by cheating? Why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t want to be with me anymore? Why couldn’t you just be the man you pretend to be and tell me what I did wrong, and move on? I gave you chance after chance after chance to tell me the truth with no repercussions, and yet you STILL lied. Do you even know what the truth is anymore?

I’m not sure what happened. I’m not sure when the lies began. I’m not sure if any of those things you said to me were true. I want to believe you are a good person, and a part of me STILL did believe that right up until yesterday. I believed that a person like you, a compassionate person, a good dad, a “fight for justice” kinda guy would never use, or abuse someone. I want to believe that you did love me, and you did think I was beautiful. I want to believe that when I was in your arms, that is where YOU wanted me to be. I want to believe that you were coming for Christmas until Gino got sick. I want to believe that on Valentine’s day you were umpiring in another city. I want to believe that there is no one else in your life but me. I want to believe that you were going to finish school and come here and we were going to be happily ever after. I wanted to believe that you were coming two weeks ago to see me. I want to believe in YOU. However, I don’t. I have caught you in too many lies. Too many wacky crazy stories, about funerals and being sick, and needing time for school, and being able to drive home from San Pedro in record time. You lied to me from day one about the living situation between you and Shelly. You waited until I was in Camarillo to tell me. I should have been upset and that should have been enough to make me walk away, but you already had my heart.

I’m not a fool. I knew in Jan. something had changed. I don’t know what. I may never ever know why you changed your mind about being with me. I may never know if you ever really meant all of the things you said to me. I may never really know if you truly loved me or not. I may never really know about all the other women. However I do know enough to know that you have been lying to me long enough. I don’t know if you really wanted a gas card or more money, or crazy sex or a place to live. I have no idea why you continued to tell me that you loved me while seeing other people. That’s not love. That’s a lie. That’s cruel. That’s emotional abuse. For months you have made me think all of this was in my head and that *I* was crazy, when it was actually all true.

You need help if you think that love is dating more than one person at a time. I pray to God that you find happiness with yourself, so that you can find happiness with someone else. I pray that you don’t raise your sons to think that what you did to me is ok to do to women. Because it’s not. I wish things could have been different. I wish you could have been the man you made me believe you were. I wish our story was truly “History in the making”. I wish so much that our first kiss was my last first kiss. I wish that when you read this you are sad, and wish you could hold me in your arms and kiss me again, but I know that’s not how you will feel. You will feel angry, and indignant. Go ahead. Blame me. Tell the world you were scorned. It won’t help. I wish you loved me the way you said you did, but I know I can wish and wish and wish all day on falling stars and it’s never going to make you change.

Can I have my heart back now?

I thought it was a nice letter, and he did act just as I thought he would. He told me never to txt him or call him again. Gee, I thought that is what I was saying in that letter? It made me angry that he still treated me like I had done something wrong.

Yesterday I talked to K. K, you see is his OTHER girlfriend of the past two months. I had seen that he added her on facebook, and I just knew. I looked at her profile, and of course it said she was “missing her boyfriend Steve” I emailed  her and asked if she had a boyfriend named Steve Indendi(cause all liars and cheaters shall now be called out by name). She said yes. I felt like I needed to throw up. I felt so broken hearted all over again for me but also her. I knew she had no idea what kind of man he was. I wrote her a letter telling her everything, but I didn’t send it. I waited, and prayed and talked to my friends about what I should do. I knew that once I sent that both of our lives would be changed forever, and I wasn’t sure that I could live with that. Then I decided it wasn’t me that was hurting her, that is was Steve. He did this. He lied to her, and me, and whoever else is out there. I sent the e-mail yesterday morning and waited for the fall out. She gave me her phone number and I called. I was shaking like a leaf. I told her my story, and she told me hers. It started much like it did with us. He met her on a dating site, and turned on the charm, hard and fast. He told her how much he loved her, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He told her she was beautiful, and she was a great mom. He told her that they would take a cruise together for her birthday. He also told her that he had never been married, and… he has… twice. He also forgot to mention his current living arrangement to her. The fact that he lives with his ex and lied about it should be a problem. The entire time, he was still txting me telling me he loved me and missed me and how badly he wanted to be with me. I knew he was lying to me, but deep down a part of me wanted to believe that maybe he wasn’t. That maybe I was just being paranoid and some how all of this would magically be fixed. I know that was me just trying to hang on to that fairy tale. When she told me about herself I couldn’t help but think, no wonder he picked her. She is really smart, and funny, and seems to have a lot going for her. I am not just heartbroken for myself, but also for her. I just wanted to tell her it wasn’t her fault and give her a hug. I wanted to rewind the clock for her more than me. I feel like she has so much more to offer to someone, and someone like her should not have to feel the way I currently do. When we got off the phone she seemed to be ok. She said she was going to be done with him. She didn’t have time to waste on him.  She was so strong, that she inspired me. She is someone I would like to be friends with, but if she gives him another chance I would just be so sad for her. He’s a very convincing person, and I know that he has an answer for everything I told her, because she told me the horrible things he said about me. I can deal with him calling me a liar, and a stalker. I expected that from him. This is exactly what he said about the girl who tried to warn me about him in Jan. *I* know the truth. I know that I did the right thing. I know that I tried to save her from anymore pain. She has to do the rest.

I’m sad. I’m not sad because Steve turned out to be a douche-bag. I’m not sad that he borrowed money from me he will never pay back. I’m not sad because I “don’t have a boyfriend” I am sad because I am grieving the “what was going to be” All the things that I let myself believe could happen. The happily ever after. All the wonderful fairy tale pictures he painted for us. The thought that all the simple things he told me we would do together, like cook dinner, or snuggle on the couch, will never happen again. We will never travel to Utah together, or decorate the Christmas tree together. We won’t raise kids and grand kids together.

He never had any intention of doing any of these things. He is a con artist who wanted someone to pay for things for him, and give him a place to live. That is my new reality. No more fairy tales. No more happily ever after. Just me, and my kids, and my dog.

I have some really great friends. I really do, and I love that some of them care enough about me to call and check on me and make sure I haven’t thrown myself off a cliff with a note pinned to my chest saying ” It’s All S’s Fault”.  I love that some of them want me to get out and have fun and get my mind off of everything.

However, I don’t want people to call me just to ask what crazy thing S. did now. He texts me. I read it. The End. I understand that I am like a celebrity and my life is like a tabloid, but really? Do you have to keep asking me every day about S.? OK OK It was funny to mock me and my past relationship for all of like 5 minutes, but now it’s just dredging up things that I would rather leave in my past. I made a mistake. I trusted someone that turned out to be a cad. I fell for a guy blah blah blah… move on nothing to see here. If you want me to move on… then oh I don’t know… maybe you should LET ME!?

I’m not the person I used to be. I’m not going to let S. back into my life JUST because you think I am. Just because I don’t answer my phone and share every sorted detail of how I feel about S. today with you doesn’t mean I am sharing it with everyone BUT you. Maybe I just really am tired of talking about it… or in this case being accused of being stupid. Maybe JUST Maybe I really am ok?

Why? Why Canada did you close your Olympic winter games ceremony with giant inflatable beavers? Really?! WTF were you thinking?

Come on now Canada, take my hand and follow along. We already mock the way you speak, eh. We mock you for Avril Lavigne. We mock you for being the kind of country you can run to when you don’t want to stand up and fight for the freedom of your people. We mock you for sooo much more… and now this?

Who was it that suggested the beaver balloons? Did you put him in front of some brightly dressed Canadian mounties and shoot him this morning? You should have. When he stood up in that planning meeting and shouted. “I know! We will have GIANT INFLATABLE BEAVERS!” Didn’t anyone in the room snicker? Really? NO?! Hmmm I would have… but maybe that’s just me.

The poor poor people who had to carry those things seemed so happy and smiley! The were walking into the arena all “Oh look at me I am a giant inflatable beaver balloon holder! YAY!” NO.. NO it’s not yay. It’s Lame. YOU sir are LAME!

Now because of this beaver balloon incident I can’t take Canada seriously.  Not that I could before… I’m just saying.

S. and I had been talking all week off and on . Mostly he would text, and I would read them and roll my eyes. He said he was going to come see me on Saturday. On Wednesday I started feeling that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. What if he really showed up? What the hell would I say to him at this point? I knew I shouldn’t believe that he wanted to come see me. I knew when he said he loved me I shouldn’t believe anything he said. I knew, but I hoped that I was wrong. I wanted to give him that chance to come see me. I frankly wanted to confront him about everything in person. I knew I shouldn’t have even been talking to him, but I did.  Sadly he told me he would be leaving at 1pm… it’s 5pm and he’s not here. He should have been here an hour ago. He won’t answer his phone or his text messages.

He Lied… again. I didn’t really believe he was coming, until this morning when he hadn’t canceled. I never though he would just not show up and stop talking to me like this. It’s all very reminiscent of a vacation that I wasted 3 years ago waiting for SG to show up. I’m sitting here in shock. I don’t know what I am more in shock about though. The fact that I let myself hope that he would come see me, or the fact that he didn’t come see me, or even make up one of his lame excuses.

I am shattered, broken, torn in half yet again… still.

Again, this all comes down to how could someone do this to me? WHY? I trusted. I loved, I gave everything. How could someone be so mean and cruel to another person. I could never do what he has done to anyone. Never.

Are there no honest people out there anymore? No morals? NO scruples?

It’s amazing how fast things can change in my life sometimes. It’s been a little over a week since I wrote my last post, and I am already feeling better. I think a lot of it has to do with some of the most awesome friends a girl could have.

Well I did it. I changed my facebook status to single. I guess I knew I was single for the past two months, I just was hoping I was wrong. No one wants to admit they were a fool. No one wants to admit that they let someone treat them less than they are worth. What I don’t understand is how something like this happened to someone like me. I haven’t let anyone in this close in a long time. I was careful. I didn’t let guys stay at my house overnight. I didn’t let anyone sleep in my bed. I didn’t do anything that could take away the safety of my apartment. When relationships ended there were no memories there, it was neutral territory, it was safe. I didn’t let myself think of forever, or happily ever after. I didn’t use the word marriage. I didn’t think what it would be like to decorate the house for Christmas with someone else. I just didn’t let myself get hurt. I used to think maybe I was too safe. Maybe I was missing out on something… I was… The horrible pain that creeps in when you least expect it. That gut wrenching feeling you get when you know in your heart something bad is about to happen. When every time your phone rings you wonder if this is the call that he says it’s over. I think my pain was worse. He never did tell me it was over. He just kept telling me he loved me, and wanted to be with me. However, his behavior changed, and he went from wanting to be with me and missing me to being too busy to talk to me. Too busy to see me. That’s not the kind of love I want. That’s not love at all. I don’t know what that is. Maybe I met the replacement mayor of crazy town since I am vacating that seat this term!

In any event I found out who my friends are that I can count on when pooh happens. I found out that one of my friends who I thought was a complete cad, really is a good person. He’s the first one I ran to when all of this happened. I don’t know why I picked him. I guess I thought if anyone would understand what I was going through it would be P. since he had recently gone through a fairy tale romance that ended kind of odd to say the least. He really stepped up to the plate and helped me feel better about everything. He even said he would support me if I chose to continue down this path of retardation.  He will never know what it meant to me that he got me out of the house for some of the best Sushi in the world.  I have a feeling this cad will be a life long friend and that’s ok with me. I’m still going to have to tell him to “get out” of my tent at faire though.

I am very blessed with a handful of inner circle friends who I can tell anything to no matter what, and know that they will love me even if I make a bad choice, and when I do they will be there to say “come on let’s go get chocolate he was ugly and I hated his last name anyway”. I am also blessed with some people in my life that I have never met face to face, but I love them like family. When I was feeling lowest in those days a few weeks ago they were there lifting me up and reminding me of my self worth. Reminding me of who I am and where I came from. Reminding me that I do have a lot to offer someone who actually wants it. Reminding me that I don’t have to find Mr. right before I am 40.

Then someone comes along and makes you forget about all the crap you put yourself through for the last 8 weeks. Someone who wants to makes you a valentine out of bow-tie pasta.

Alone on Valentine’s day. Miserable. I went to visit friends out of town this weekend hoping it would make me forget all about my situation, and how it’s making me feel. I was hoping that it would give me the strength and courage to face this, and do what I need to do. It didn’t.

I am sitting here waiting for S. to call me so I can confront him on things. Why? He’s not ever going to tell me the answers I want. He is never going to tell me that he is married, or looking for other women on line, or using me, or what ever the hell he is doing. He’s never going to admit that all of this was a big game… for what I don’t know… I will never know. That is just going to have to be enough for me. I am just going to have to find a way to move on with my life without him.

Even if all of this was a huge mistake, he’s not willing to fight for our relationship, and I am better than that. I hate that I have to end this. I hate that all of my dreams are over. I hate that everything I thought was real, isn’t.

Why? Why did he come into my life and do what he has done to me? Doesn’t he see that he has hurt another human being? Doesn’t he care how much this will effect me for the rest of my life? Doesn’t he see how this will continue to effect people around me and my future happiness? Hw can someone do that to another person. I will never understand this.

I wrote a blog a while back called. “I’m OK.” It was telling the world that I was OK alone, and that I would rather be alone then in a bad relationship. So why then do I find myself sitting here writing this blog, torn on what I should do? Because…

I am hurting. I am so very devistated at the thought of having to break up with S. I don’t know how to even explain my grief, or even why I am so much more grief stricken about this relationship than others in my past. I know I haven’t invested all that  much time in him, but I have invested my entire heart. I know I know. What was *I* thinking?

He lied to me. It’s all there in black and white. The picture, the words, the name, it’s all him. right there on PlentyOfFish.com. How long has it been there? Has it always been there? How many women has he done this to? Women with children, women without kids, women who are lonely, and think they are finding the man of their dreams, and who knows what else? Why? Why did he do this to me? I think I want that one answered more than any of the others. We come from the same town, the same school, the same classroom. I wasn’t hurting anyone. I was on there, minding my own business just looking for the same thing every woman wants, to find love. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t deserve this. I was a perfect girlfriend, and all he had to do was tell me he wanted out and I would have left. I would have been hurt, but I still would have let him go on his way. Instead he still says to me that he loves me and wants to be with me. How? Why? WHAT? Perhaps he wnats a harem? I just don’t understand any of this, and that is what makes this so absolutely devistating. I won’t get the closure I need. I will have to go on with my life always wondering why. That’s not fair.

Self Honesty time? I guess I was so in love with the idea of being in love, someone loving me, and the idea that I had could finally have my happily ever after, that I was willing to just go head first into this relationship. I even let myself see “signs” we were destined to be together. Maybe it was a sympton of finding myself alone at almost 40. I guess I always just saw myself remarried by the time I was 40, living out the rest of my life traveling with the man of my dreams. Instead I find myself premenapausal, and horribly alone.

I thought weeks ago that it was over. I asked God where he wanted me to be, and if he didn’t want me to be in this relationship, then he needed to end it. He put sign after sign in front of my face, and I pushed them out of the way and ran right into the ditch. I wanted the signs to be worng. I wanted to believe that S. would never hurt me. I wanted to believe that all the words S. said in the beginning were true, and the person I have come to know the last month was not the real S. I wanted to believe that he truly loved me. I guess I just wanted to believe that someone like HIM could love someone like me. Maybe I just wanted to believe in someone for a change. How can I ever give anyone another chance? What if no one ever wants a chance again?

I didn’t continue dating that guy back in October. He wasn’t the right guy for me. Was it because of RFG? (Although I am sure if you asked him, he would say I have deep buried feelings for him.) I will never know. I started dating someone else shortly after that. We will call him S. S had me at the first text message of “Good Morning Beautiful” It was so sweet, and the romantic, charm just kept coming until I was over the moon for him. I am still with him. I love him. I can honestly say that I deeply love someone again. It’s taken a long time for me to let someone this into my life again. I dropped some walls. I trusted. I let someone come into my house, and my heart.  We started planning a future together. Everything Is perfect.. or was…. or is. I don’t really know anymore.

One night a couple of weeks ago I got an email on Myspace from a man I had never met, letting me know that the love of my life, was in fact, married. Of course I called and woke up S. and asked him what the heck was going on! Neither of us knew this man, but after looking through his friends I recognized one of the people on his friends list as a mutuial friend of S.

When I asked this random guy who he was, he replied with “A friend of a gal who he has been saying he wants to be with but she found out he was married with kids.”

My heart sank. I knew right then all the past hurt and lies from all the men of my past would come flooding to the surface. They did. I talked to S about it and he told me that she was a girl he had talked to prior to me, that he had not even met. I did a little google research and confirmed that he is not married, and even though I didn’t really believe he was married, it made me feel better to have that in black and white. Why did this woman do that to me? I’ll never know. Unfortunately that doubt seed was planted. Now I constantly have this feeling of impending doom. It’s like it’s too good to be true, and I let myself get too deep too soon.

I keep walking on this tight rope of sanity. I go from “everything is so aboslutely wonderful and perfect, and back to normal” to “why hasn’t he text me in 3 hours, and why didn’t he say I love you this time?” I know he would say *I* am doing this to myself. Maybe I am. Maybe all those little signs I thought I saw, I wanted to see. What if this isn’t fate? What if the princess  does not get to keep her prince at the end of this fairytale? What if fairy tales don’t really come true?

What if the reason I feel like this is because there is someone else? What if someone bigger than me is trying to tell me that?

No matter what happens at the end of this story I better end up with a tiara dammit!

Monty over at The Daily Bitch posted that November is National Drunken Blogging Month! Seriously? Isn’t every day “blog while you are drunk” day?

No?! Crap…

I have a feeling the way this week is going I will be able to add to the humiliation of my life by drunk blogging.

I’m js’in (just sayin’), it might happen… stay tuned!

I haven’t blogged in almost a year. I had lots to say, and lots of funny stories, and even some sad pathetic ones.. I know you are shocked. I guess I just didn’t feel like sharing. Tonight I don’t feel like sharing as much as I just feel like writing all my thoughts out here in cyberland.

I think I will start by reflecting on this last year a bit. It started off really well romantically. I met a very nice man who was interested in me in return. *cheer* Unfortunately after about 4 months of dating I realized that no, I am not in fact, attracted to men who smoke pot on a daily basis. I know, picky picky picky! So I ended that in a very quiet amicable way, never to hear from him again. I’m sooo ok with that too.

As Renaissance faire season set in things picked up for me socially and I didn’t even realize how fast the year was flying by. I was perfectly happy being single. The more men I met, the more I appreciated my single life, and my dog. Then something happened this summer that changed all that. I met someone at one of the ren faires I go to. I had met him before, I knew who he was, his name, and his reputation so I stayed far away from him and his guild. Then in a moment of weakness I gave in. There I was minding my own business walking down the lane at faire on my way to catch up with my daughter and her friend when he snuck up behind me and spoke to me. I stood there like a deer caught in the headlights of an on coming car. I wish I had known it would feel more like a bus when it hit me, or I would have sprinted away from him as fast as I could. He asked me if we had met before at another faire.  I told him we had but not the one he mentioned. He came back with some silly line that made me giggle like a school girl. He was actually funny, so the conversation continued on for part of the afternoon. He was charming. That dangerous kind of charming you know as an adult you should run away from, but cant. He was clever and funny, and seemed genuinely interested in talking to me. I knew he was only talking to me to get to talk to my guildmate but I couldn’t help it. I stood there and let myself believe for just a brief moment that maybe he wasn’t just after her and now that he was talking to me because he actually wanted to. I guess being at faire, a girl like me can get caught up in all the romance, pretend as it may be. We talked about music, and college football, and life. We seemed to have a ton of things in common. Before the end of the weekend we exchanged phone numbers, and I thought I had met a really awesome guy. I was still guarded and frankly never thought I would see him again until the next faire. Then he invited me to come spend labor day weekend with him. I was so excited, and nervous. I kept telling myself that he has a reputation at faire, but maybe just maybe, that’s just at faire, and if he met the right woman… blah blah blah We had been talking on the phone for almost two months and the more we talked the more I thought this may turn into something. Then I traveled three and half hours to see him.We had an amazing weekend. We had a lot of fun, he seemed to really like me and started calling me honey all weekend. I had no idea when I went to visit him I would care about him as much as I did. When I left I talked to him a bit about how I was feeling and what might happen from here, and that’s when the bus started approaching… He just wanted to be friends. He really liked me a lot as a friend. The friend word. Over and over he used that word, and the more I heard it the more I thought, how could I have just met someone I have so much in common with, had such a good time with, and was so attracted to, only to find out it’s not going to happen. Ever. I sobbed the entire three and a half hours driving home. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. I wanted to crawl under my covers and just die.Then it hit me, I have to see this man at faire… in a week. I have to snap out of this. I can’t let my guildmates see what a mess I’ve made. So I did. I snapped out of it and focused on the next faire and having fun with my guild. I did have a lot of fun the next two weekends, and yes I saw him, and things were just ok. Of course I wanted something more than friends, but for the sake of keeping the peace, and my sanity I had to suck it up and just pretend like I wasn’t over the moon for him. I saw him at pirate faire those weekends, then I saw him again at Vegas faire. In Vegas I was out to see my friend’s band play so I invited him out to hang out with us and he did come down and hang out, little did I know just hours earlier he had met someone at faire that he would be madly in love with in a matter of weeks. I was fine. I had stopped hoping, and praying that he would “come to his senses”. I was moving on, I was getting over him. Then he called me one weekend and invited me to come down and spend a weekend with him, he would take me to a football game, and we hang out like before. He was very flirty with me and even said he was looking forward to spending time with me again. (This is the part where the bus starts racing towards me again at full speed.) We had been texting all night, about baseball scores, when he stopped answering. “I said why aren’t you watching the game?” He texted back “because he is on a date with me.” I opened my phone and read those words and my heart just fell right out of my chest. He then replaied with” I am with someone I will call you tomorrow” I couldn’t believe that only a few hours ago he was telling me how much he wanted to be with me, and now he’s on a date, and she has his phone, and he is letting her text me? I wanted to punch something. Mostly him. In the junk. Instead I just sat there feeling the impact of that bus as it rolled over the top of me, dragging my heart out the door with it. I sat there in my livingroom staring at my phone, and thinking how can this be true? I must have sat there for hours in silence, just drinking glass after glass of booze. It was nearly dawn when I finally managed to drink enough to make me go to bed. The next day he explained that he had met this girl at faire and never even talked to her since, and out of the blue she asked him out, that afternoon. That was three weeks ago. We still text and talk, but just as friends, and because we are friends he shares what goes on in his life with me, including how much he thinks he loves her. I smile, and then I tell him how happy I am for him. A part of me truly is happy for him, but there is a part of me that wishes that it was me he was in love with with. Some day I hope that part of me just shrivels up and dies. All of my friends say things like, you are too good for him, but I know that they are just being good friends, and trying to make me feel better. I also know that even if this new person wasn’t in his life, I wouldn’t be. There are things in both of our lives that prevent us from being each others “one” right now.

I have been out on two dates with a very nice man, I am trying to move on but there is something missing with the new guy. He’s smart, funny, and really nice to me, I just don’t know what it is. RFG called tonight and I told him about the new guy, and I told him there was just something missing, and RFG said in jest “He’s not me?” Sadly I think he’s right, and until tonight I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Sometimes I wish I never had to feel anything.

Does anyone know someone who can exorcise RFG from my brain?