The Ice Palace

I didn’t continue dating that guy back in October. He wasn’t the right guy for me. Was it because of RFG? (Although I am sure if you asked him, he would say I have deep buried feelings for him.) I will never know. I started dating someone else shortly after that. We will call him S. S had me at the first text message of “Good Morning Beautiful” It was so sweet, and the romantic, charm just kept coming until I was over the moon for him. I am still with him. I love him. I can honestly say that I deeply love someone again. It’s taken a long time for me to let someone this into my life again. I dropped some walls. I trusted. I let someone come into my house, and my heart.  We started planning a future together. Everything Is perfect.. or was…. or is. I don’t really know anymore.

One night a couple of weeks ago I got an email on Myspace from a man I had never met, letting me know that the love of my life, was in fact, married. Of course I called and woke up S. and asked him what the heck was going on! Neither of us knew this man, but after looking through his friends I recognized one of the people on his friends list as a mutuial friend of S.

When I asked this random guy who he was, he replied with “A friend of a gal who he has been saying he wants to be with but she found out he was married with kids.”

My heart sank. I knew right then all the past hurt and lies from all the men of my past would come flooding to the surface. They did. I talked to S about it and he told me that she was a girl he had talked to prior to me, that he had not even met. I did a little google research and confirmed that he is not married, and even though I didn’t really believe he was married, it made me feel better to have that in black and white. Why did this woman do that to me? I’ll never know. Unfortunately that doubt seed was planted. Now I constantly have this feeling of impending doom. It’s like it’s too good to be true, and I let myself get too deep too soon.

I keep walking on this tight rope of sanity. I go from “everything is so aboslutely wonderful and perfect, and back to normal” to “why hasn’t he text me in 3 hours, and why didn’t he say I love you this time?” I know he would say *I* am doing this to myself. Maybe I am. Maybe all those little signs I thought I saw, I wanted to see. What if this isn’t fate? What if the princess  does not get to keep her prince at the end of this fairytale? What if fairy tales don’t really come true?

What if the reason I feel like this is because there is someone else? What if someone bigger than me is trying to tell me that?

No matter what happens at the end of this story I better end up with a tiara dammit!