The Ice Palace

I wrote a blog a while back called. “I’m OK.” It was telling the world that I was OK alone, and that I would rather be alone then in a bad relationship. So why then do I find myself sitting here writing this blog, torn on what I should do? Because…

I am hurting. I am so very devistated at the thought of having to break up with S. I don’t know how to even explain my grief, or even why I am so much more grief stricken about this relationship than others in my past. I know I haven’t invested all that  much time in him, but I have invested my entire heart. I know I know. What was *I* thinking?

He lied to me. It’s all there in black and white. The picture, the words, the name, it’s all him. right there on PlentyOfFish.com. How long has it been there? Has it always been there? How many women has he done this to? Women with children, women without kids, women who are lonely, and think they are finding the man of their dreams, and who knows what else? Why? Why did he do this to me? I think I want that one answered more than any of the others. We come from the same town, the same school, the same classroom. I wasn’t hurting anyone. I was on there, minding my own business just looking for the same thing every woman wants, to find love. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t deserve this. I was a perfect girlfriend, and all he had to do was tell me he wanted out and I would have left. I would have been hurt, but I still would have let him go on his way. Instead he still says to me that he loves me and wants to be with me. How? Why? WHAT? Perhaps he wnats a harem? I just don’t understand any of this, and that is what makes this so absolutely devistating. I won’t get the closure I need. I will have to go on with my life always wondering why. That’s not fair.

Self Honesty time? I guess I was so in love with the idea of being in love, someone loving me, and the idea that I had could finally have my happily ever after, that I was willing to just go head first into this relationship. I even let myself see “signs” we were destined to be together. Maybe it was a sympton of finding myself alone at almost 40. I guess I always just saw myself remarried by the time I was 40, living out the rest of my life traveling with the man of my dreams. Instead I find myself premenapausal, and horribly alone.

I thought weeks ago that it was over. I asked God where he wanted me to be, and if he didn’t want me to be in this relationship, then he needed to end it. He put sign after sign in front of my face, and I pushed them out of the way and ran right into the ditch. I wanted the signs to be worng. I wanted to believe that S. would never hurt me. I wanted to believe that all the words S. said in the beginning were true, and the person I have come to know the last month was not the real S. I wanted to believe that he truly loved me. I guess I just wanted to believe that someone like HIM could love someone like me. Maybe I just wanted to believe in someone for a change. How can I ever give anyone another chance? What if no one ever wants a chance again?