The Ice Palace

It’s amazing how fast things can change in my life sometimes. It’s been a little over a week since I wrote my last post, and I am already feeling better. I think a lot of it has to do with some of the most awesome friends a girl could have.

Well I did it. I changed my facebook status to single. I guess I knew I was single for the past two months, I just was hoping I was wrong. No one wants to admit they were a fool. No one wants to admit that they let someone treat them less than they are worth. What I don’t understand is how something like this happened to someone like me. I haven’t let anyone in this close in a long time. I was careful. I didn’t let guys stay at my house overnight. I didn’t let anyone sleep in my bed. I didn’t do anything that could take away the safety of my apartment. When relationships ended there were no memories there, it was neutral territory, it was safe. I didn’t let myself think of forever, or happily ever after. I didn’t use the word marriage. I didn’t think what it would be like to decorate the house for Christmas with someone else. I just didn’t let myself get hurt. I used to think maybe I was too safe. Maybe I was missing out on something… I was… The horrible pain that creeps in when you least expect it. That gut wrenching feeling you get when you know in your heart something bad is about to happen. When every time your phone rings you wonder if this is the call that he says it’s over. I think my pain was worse. He never did tell me it was over. He just kept telling me he loved me, and wanted to be with me. However, his behavior changed, and he went from wanting to be with me and missing me to being too busy to talk to me. Too busy to see me. That’s not the kind of love I want. That’s not love at all. I don’t know what that is. Maybe I met the replacement mayor of crazy town since I am vacating that seat this term!

In any event I found out who my friends are that I can count on when pooh happens. I found out that one of my friends who I thought was a complete cad, really is a good person. He’s the first one I ran to when all of this happened. I don’t know why I picked him. I guess I thought if anyone would understand what I was going through it would be P. since he had recently gone through a fairy tale romance that ended kind of odd to say the least. He really stepped up to the plate and helped me feel better about everything. He even said he would support me if I chose to continue down this path of retardation.  He will never know what it meant to me that he got me out of the house for some of the best Sushi in the world.  I have a feeling this cad will be a life long friend and that’s ok with me. I’m still going to have to tell him to “get out” of my tent at faire though.

I am very blessed with a handful of inner circle friends who I can tell anything to no matter what, and know that they will love me even if I make a bad choice, and when I do they will be there to say “come on let’s go get chocolate he was ugly and I hated his last name anyway”. I am also blessed with some people in my life that I have never met face to face, but I love them like family. When I was feeling lowest in those days a few weeks ago they were there lifting me up and reminding me of my self worth. Reminding me of who I am and where I came from. Reminding me that I do have a lot to offer someone who actually wants it. Reminding me that I don’t have to find Mr. right before I am 40.

Then someone comes along and makes you forget about all the crap you put yourself through for the last 8 weeks. Someone who wants to makes you a valentine out of bow-tie pasta.