The Ice Palace

I have lots of hobbies. I truly enjoy that. I get out, and meet people, and laugh and live. I had a friend tell me “she doesn’t wear the badge of busy”. I think if that works for you, then awesome. However, I don’t feel like I am too busy. I feel like I am living a full life and that works for me. I wasn’t always like that though. I always did the hobbies my husband/boyfriend wanted to do. I didn’t go do things *I* wanted to do unless I had someone with me.

I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned in my life in the last nine years. I don’t ever want to go back to being that person.

I used to be a desperate individual. I don’t ever want to NEED a man in my life so bad that I feel depressed if I don’t have one. I thought if I didn’t have a date, or a boyfriend constantly that I was less of a person. I thought that if I went to events and family gatherings without a man I would some how be chastised. I was delusional. I let myself be abused, put down, used, stolen from, belittled, and cheated on… all in the name of “love”.  I stayed with one man because I thought that if I left him I would have no place to go, that I somehow NEEDED him to support and take care of me and the kids. I was wrong, and I suffered for it. My children suffered for it. Sure there are days when I get up and think “wow this is hard to do on my own” but at the end of the day I DID do it on my own, and the feeling of accomplishment, and pride I get is worth it.

I see women in my life letting men use them, and walk all over them, cheat on, and abuse them. I see women stay in bad relationships for all the wrong reasons, and I want to scream at these women to get out. I want to tell them they will be OK out there, and their kids will be better off, and the whole family can be healthier. I want to clunk them over the head with a giant club of wisdom. Unfortunately I remember being in that place. That place that makes you feel like being alone is a bad thing. It’s not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. You just have to want it. You have to be brave enough to seek it out.

Yes, as humans we need other humans, and companionship. However, we can get that from lots of sources. It doesn’t always have to be in the arms of a man. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t going to be happy with someone else, unless I was able to be happy with JUST me. I had a lot of ME to work on. I guess maybe that was the plan all along. Maybe I just needed to get healthy and be a strong, independent woman. That way when someone special came along I could be in a healthy relationship, not a needy one.