The Ice Palace

You know I never thought I would be writing a blog about how sad I am to be leaving the moving company, but my season is ending here. It ended a long time ago to be honest. However, much like an Indian summer that drags the heat into fall, I dragged out my time here several months longer than I should have. The owners don’t appreciate me, and there would never have been a future for me here. It was stagnant. I enjoyed my many hours of getting paid to game all day, but at some point even that gets old.

I only work Mondays and Fridays here now, so I never know what it’s going to look like when I come in. I don’t know what has been moved, and what hasn’t. I figure one day my desk will just be gone, and that will be it. I came in today, and walked into the warehouse that stored so many peoples belongings, and there were so many gone. Moved to a different location so the company could downsize. It was sad. I was here when all of these came in. I watched as one by one Tom our warehouseman would slowly and methodically take each vault of house hold goods and stack them just right. Now, I leave and it’s like magical faires come in while I am gone and remove them. I never see them go, just the dirty floor where they sat for all those years.

I think back to all of the guys who worked here, and how some of them became friends. I think back to all the laughter that was shared in this office, and this warehouse despite the slow economy, inept employees, and bad management. We were a family. I loved my job, and the people I worked with, and it’s all going away. I will never forget John my old boss, and my first day of work. I knew nothing and was left alone to try and save a sinking ship, I was scared, and excited, and I knew I was home. I will always have the scar on my leg from the tragic ski pole indecent. When I go to bed every night I will look at the silver lamps I acquired from a shipper when they moved and left them behind. I will always look at the red feather boa hanging in my bedroom and think of the guys who danced in from the warehouse wearing in and putting it on my desk saying that it reminded them of me. Good Times and good memories that I will take from here, I will leave all the bad in a little dust ball in the corner of the warehouse on my last day.

I find myself feeling this way about my new job too. I feel like I have started building friendships there. I feel like I am part of the family there too. In fact, today I miss that bunch of goof balls, even with all of the drama, and chaotic phones that I have to deal with, I kinda wish I was working there today, instead of here. I guess change isn’t so bad after all.

I didn’t continue dating that guy back in October. He wasn’t the right guy for me. Was it because of RFG? (Although I am sure if you asked him, he would say I have deep buried feelings for him.) I will never know. I started dating someone else shortly after that. We will call him S. S had me at the first text message of “Good Morning Beautiful” It was so sweet, and the romantic, charm just kept coming until I was over the moon for him. I am still with him. I love him. I can honestly say that I deeply love someone again. It’s taken a long time for me to let someone this into my life again. I dropped some walls. I trusted. I let someone come into my house, and my heart.  We started planning a future together. Everything Is perfect.. or was…. or is. I don’t really know anymore.

One night a couple of weeks ago I got an email on Myspace from a man I had never met, letting me know that the love of my life, was in fact, married. Of course I called and woke up S. and asked him what the heck was going on! Neither of us knew this man, but after looking through his friends I recognized one of the people on his friends list as a mutuial friend of S.

When I asked this random guy who he was, he replied with “A friend of a gal who he has been saying he wants to be with but she found out he was married with kids.”

My heart sank. I knew right then all the past hurt and lies from all the men of my past would come flooding to the surface. They did. I talked to S about it and he told me that she was a girl he had talked to prior to me, that he had not even met. I did a little google research and confirmed that he is not married, and even though I didn’t really believe he was married, it made me feel better to have that in black and white. Why did this woman do that to me? I’ll never know. Unfortunately that doubt seed was planted. Now I constantly have this feeling of impending doom. It’s like it’s too good to be true, and I let myself get too deep too soon.

I keep walking on this tight rope of sanity. I go from “everything is so aboslutely wonderful and perfect, and back to normal” to “why hasn’t he text me in 3 hours, and why didn’t he say I love you this time?” I know he would say *I* am doing this to myself. Maybe I am. Maybe all those little signs I thought I saw, I wanted to see. What if this isn’t fate? What if the princess  does not get to keep her prince at the end of this fairytale? What if fairy tales don’t really come true?

What if the reason I feel like this is because there is someone else? What if someone bigger than me is trying to tell me that?

No matter what happens at the end of this story I better end up with a tiara dammit!

Monty over at The Daily Bitch posted that November is National Drunken Blogging Month! Seriously? Isn’t every day “blog while you are drunk” day?

No?! Crap…

I have a feeling the way this week is going I will be able to add to the humiliation of my life by drunk blogging.

I’m js’in (just sayin’), it might happen… stay tuned!

I haven’t blogged in almost a year. I had lots to say, and lots of funny stories, and even some sad pathetic ones.. I know you are shocked. I guess I just didn’t feel like sharing. Tonight I don’t feel like sharing as much as I just feel like writing all my thoughts out here in cyberland.

I think I will start by reflecting on this last year a bit. It started off really well romantically. I met a very nice man who was interested in me in return. *cheer* Unfortunately after about 4 months of dating I realized that no, I am not in fact, attracted to men who smoke pot on a daily basis. I know, picky picky picky! So I ended that in a very quiet amicable way, never to hear from him again. I’m sooo ok with that too.

As Renaissance faire season set in things picked up for me socially and I didn’t even realize how fast the year was flying by. I was perfectly happy being single. The more men I met, the more I appreciated my single life, and my dog. Then something happened this summer that changed all that. I met someone at one of the ren faires I go to. I had met him before, I knew who he was, his name, and his reputation so I stayed far away from him and his guild. Then in a moment of weakness I gave in. There I was minding my own business walking down the lane at faire on my way to catch up with my daughter and her friend when he snuck up behind me and spoke to me. I stood there like a deer caught in the headlights of an on coming car. I wish I had known it would feel more like a bus when it hit me, or I would have sprinted away from him as fast as I could. He asked me if we had met before at another faire.  I told him we had but not the one he mentioned. He came back with some silly line that made me giggle like a school girl. He was actually funny, so the conversation continued on for part of the afternoon. He was charming. That dangerous kind of charming you know as an adult you should run away from, but cant. He was clever and funny, and seemed genuinely interested in talking to me. I knew he was only talking to me to get to talk to my guildmate but I couldn’t help it. I stood there and let myself believe for just a brief moment that maybe he wasn’t just after her and now that he was talking to me because he actually wanted to. I guess being at faire, a girl like me can get caught up in all the romance, pretend as it may be. We talked about music, and college football, and life. We seemed to have a ton of things in common. Before the end of the weekend we exchanged phone numbers, and I thought I had met a really awesome guy. I was still guarded and frankly never thought I would see him again until the next faire. Then he invited me to come spend labor day weekend with him. I was so excited, and nervous. I kept telling myself that he has a reputation at faire, but maybe just maybe, that’s just at faire, and if he met the right woman… blah blah blah We had been talking on the phone for almost two months and the more we talked the more I thought this may turn into something. Then I traveled three and half hours to see him.We had an amazing weekend. We had a lot of fun, he seemed to really like me and started calling me honey all weekend. I had no idea when I went to visit him I would care about him as much as I did. When I left I talked to him a bit about how I was feeling and what might happen from here, and that’s when the bus started approaching… He just wanted to be friends. He really liked me a lot as a friend. The friend word. Over and over he used that word, and the more I heard it the more I thought, how could I have just met someone I have so much in common with, had such a good time with, and was so attracted to, only to find out it’s not going to happen. Ever. I sobbed the entire three and a half hours driving home. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. I wanted to crawl under my covers and just die.Then it hit me, I have to see this man at faire… in a week. I have to snap out of this. I can’t let my guildmates see what a mess I’ve made. So I did. I snapped out of it and focused on the next faire and having fun with my guild. I did have a lot of fun the next two weekends, and yes I saw him, and things were just ok. Of course I wanted something more than friends, but for the sake of keeping the peace, and my sanity I had to suck it up and just pretend like I wasn’t over the moon for him. I saw him at pirate faire those weekends, then I saw him again at Vegas faire. In Vegas I was out to see my friend’s band play so I invited him out to hang out with us and he did come down and hang out, little did I know just hours earlier he had met someone at faire that he would be madly in love with in a matter of weeks. I was fine. I had stopped hoping, and praying that he would “come to his senses”. I was moving on, I was getting over him. Then he called me one weekend and invited me to come down and spend a weekend with him, he would take me to a football game, and we hang out like before. He was very flirty with me and even said he was looking forward to spending time with me again. (This is the part where the bus starts racing towards me again at full speed.) We had been texting all night, about baseball scores, when he stopped answering. “I said why aren’t you watching the game?” He texted back “because he is on a date with me.” I opened my phone and read those words and my heart just fell right out of my chest. He then replaied with” I am with someone I will call you tomorrow” I couldn’t believe that only a few hours ago he was telling me how much he wanted to be with me, and now he’s on a date, and she has his phone, and he is letting her text me? I wanted to punch something. Mostly him. In the junk. Instead I just sat there feeling the impact of that bus as it rolled over the top of me, dragging my heart out the door with it. I sat there in my livingroom staring at my phone, and thinking how can this be true? I must have sat there for hours in silence, just drinking glass after glass of booze. It was nearly dawn when I finally managed to drink enough to make me go to bed. The next day he explained that he had met this girl at faire and never even talked to her since, and out of the blue she asked him out, that afternoon. That was three weeks ago. We still text and talk, but just as friends, and because we are friends he shares what goes on in his life with me, including how much he thinks he loves her. I smile, and then I tell him how happy I am for him. A part of me truly is happy for him, but there is a part of me that wishes that it was me he was in love with with. Some day I hope that part of me just shrivels up and dies. All of my friends say things like, you are too good for him, but I know that they are just being good friends, and trying to make me feel better. I also know that even if this new person wasn’t in his life, I wouldn’t be. There are things in both of our lives that prevent us from being each others “one” right now.

I have been out on two dates with a very nice man, I am trying to move on but there is something missing with the new guy. He’s smart, funny, and really nice to me, I just don’t know what it is. RFG called tonight and I told him about the new guy, and I told him there was just something missing, and RFG said in jest “He’s not me?” Sadly I think he’s right, and until tonight I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Sometimes I wish I never had to feel anything.

Does anyone know someone who can exorcise RFG from my brain?

I really enjoy my Sunday mornings. It’s nice on a chilly day to go downstairs and turn the kettle on for a cup of tea.

Today I sat there on my sofa this morning looking out my front window at the tree that I have looked at all the time I lived here. However, today I saw something different. It was almost living art. I watched the yellow and orange hued leaved as the danced to the ground, and wondered if enough people ever stopped and just looked and listened to what was around them? No TV. No Radio. No Cell phone. No Computer. Just being still. I think I would have sat their all day but was interrupted by the whistle of the tea kettle.

Take some time, find a quiet moment. It’s really worth it.

Today I wasn’t going to go to Starbucks, but as I drove to work, I started feeling like I just needed a little Monday jolt of coffee goodness. I ordered my usual. Triple venti, non fat, mocha no whip. I get to the window and the little whelp working in the window says that will be $4.40 ma’am. Now if I were in the south I would expect that… but here in California unless you look 40 you don’t usually get called ma’am. I’m NOT 40… I don’t LOOK 40. OMG… or maybe I do? Could she see the grey hairs peeking out from behind all the dark ones? Could she hear the creaking in my bones as I moved to grab the coffee? OY! How did this happen? When did I hit that magical day when I get called Ma’am? *sigh*

A Bunch Of Random Thoughts…

There are only 4 more days before I leave for Pirate Faire. I am excited. I can’t wait to dress up like a crazy pirate, and run around all day drinking, flirting, and saying “Arrrrr”. Unless it rains, and then, well I am going to do all of the above, very wet.

There are only 2 more days till I can play Warhammer online again. YAY, the geeky side of me really is excited about this.

I am kind of addicted to watermelon Jolly Rancher candies.

I needed a change.

I needed a new blog.

I needed to get away from Blogger.

So here I am. Ready for the world to read all about me again. Although, to be honest, I am not really sure WHY people would WANT to read about me, or what I do all day, or about my radio station, my new dog, my ren faire shenanigans or even random mommy thoughts, but they do. YOU do, and I am so very glad you do! So read on, comment, and feel free to tell me what you really think, I can take it.

Well as you can see there are some changes around here. Yes, my groovy template is gone forever. I miss it, but this gives me a chance to get a new one made, and update things around here a bit. Think of it as spring cleaning… only in the summer.

The radio station is still up and running, and I am even adding a couple of new DJ’s. I am also thinking about doing another show. I did a show the other night, just a sound check to make sure my settings still work (and they really don’t work the way that I want- but I will make due)and did a little quikie show. It was fun, and I realized how much I miss it! Monty (or star DJ) has maxed out our server. We can’t hold any more listeners without upgrading our server, so we are working our way towards that. We are only $45.00 away! Click here if you would like to donate!

I have a new roomie. He’s been one of my best friends for years, and we lived together once before, and he just recently moved back to the area, and is staying with me. He’s an executive chef, so I think it’s a match made in Heaven, since you know.. I like to eat and stuff. I mean how can you beat having Fillet Mignon for breakfast? For those of you who are wondering if we are dating, um no he’s gay.

Monty got me on Twitter, so now you can stalk me on there too! Please add me, I feel so twitterless!

OK so there I posted, I know it’s not funny, or fabulous… but I’ll back in to my groove soon. I missed you bloggers!

So, Queenie thinks I should write a book about a guy who loves his dog too much. That’s the story of my life. They always love something more than me, and they never have the balls to just break up with me in a normal fashion. It’s almost like they sit and plot the whole relationship on just how they are going to break up with me. I believe all of these guys got together and planned this so they can see who can out-do each other. It’s funny looking back on it now, and I doubt anyone would believe me, but perhaps I will write a book. It would, if nothing else be shelved under comedy. That would be enough to make me happy… well that and the mass quantity of money I would make.
Then I could afford to have a crack-house (Sonic) put right in my own backyard and then I could have Ched-R-Peppers any time I want!

…and I was wondering why exactly I took 7 days off of work to do absolutely nothing.

Seriously, there was no reason to take a vacation. I mean I planned this great vacation, complete with great guy. Unfortunately, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Or in my case when I make plans with men who are really mice, they always go wrong. That’s OK. I won’t make that mistake again. Next year I am going to go on vacation alone, or take one of my girlfriends. Or maybe just not take a vacation… or maybe take a vacation to a place where I can meet a great guy, and never see him again. In any event SG will not be there.

So I guess this closes the chapter on SG. It was a lovely romantic fantasy, but when reality set in he decided he was better off living in his fantasy world where the only thing he has to do is go to work, ride his motorcycle and play with his dog. I wish him much luck in keeping that dream alive. I really do, but sadly I need more than a man who has an aversion to wearing shirts, and has an unnatural affection for his dog.

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