I haven’t blogged in almost a year. I had lots to say, and lots of funny stories, and even some sad pathetic ones.. I know you are shocked. I guess I just didn’t feel like sharing. Tonight I don’t feel like sharing as much as I just feel like writing all my thoughts out here in cyberland.
I think I will start by reflecting on this last year a bit. It started off really well romantically. I met a very nice man who was interested in me in return. *cheer* Unfortunately after about 4 months of dating I realized that no, I am not in fact, attracted to men who smoke pot on a daily basis. I know, picky picky picky! So I ended that in a very quiet amicable way, never to hear from him again. I’m sooo ok with that too.
As Renaissance faire season set in things picked up for me socially and I didn’t even realize how fast the year was flying by. I was perfectly happy being single. The more men I met, the more I appreciated my single life, and my dog. Then something happened this summer that changed all that. I met someone at one of the ren faires I go to. I had met him before, I knew who he was, his name, and his reputation so I stayed far away from him and his guild. Then in a moment of weakness I gave in. There I was minding my own business walking down the lane at faire on my way to catch up with my daughter and her friend when he snuck up behind me and spoke to me. I stood there like a deer caught in the headlights of an on coming car. I wish I had known it would feel more like a bus when it hit me, or I would have sprinted away from him as fast as I could. He asked me if we had met before at another faire. I told him we had but not the one he mentioned. He came back with some silly line that made me giggle like a school girl. He was actually funny, so the conversation continued on for part of the afternoon. He was charming. That dangerous kind of charming you know as an adult you should run away from, but cant. He was clever and funny, and seemed genuinely interested in talking to me. I knew he was only talking to me to get to talk to my guildmate but I couldn’t help it. I stood there and let myself believe for just a brief moment that maybe he wasn’t just after her and now that he was talking to me because he actually wanted to. I guess being at faire, a girl like me can get caught up in all the romance, pretend as it may be. We talked about music, and college football, and life. We seemed to have a ton of things in common. Before the end of the weekend we exchanged phone numbers, and I thought I had met a really awesome guy. I was still guarded and frankly never thought I would see him again until the next faire. Then he invited me to come spend labor day weekend with him. I was so excited, and nervous. I kept telling myself that he has a reputation at faire, but maybe just maybe, that’s just at faire, and if he met the right woman… blah blah blah We had been talking on the phone for almost two months and the more we talked the more I thought this may turn into something. Then I traveled three and half hours to see him.We had an amazing weekend. We had a lot of fun, he seemed to really like me and started calling me honey all weekend. I had no idea when I went to visit him I would care about him as much as I did. When I left I talked to him a bit about how I was feeling and what might happen from here, and that’s when the bus started approaching… He just wanted to be friends. He really liked me a lot as a friend. The friend word. Over and over he used that word, and the more I heard it the more I thought, how could I have just met someone I have so much in common with, had such a good time with, and was so attracted to, only to find out it’s not going to happen. Ever. I sobbed the entire three and a half hours driving home. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. I wanted to crawl under my covers and just die.Then it hit me, I have to see this man at faire… in a week. I have to snap out of this. I can’t let my guildmates see what a mess I’ve made. So I did. I snapped out of it and focused on the next faire and having fun with my guild. I did have a lot of fun the next two weekends, and yes I saw him, and things were just ok. Of course I wanted something more than friends, but for the sake of keeping the peace, and my sanity I had to suck it up and just pretend like I wasn’t over the moon for him. I saw him at pirate faire those weekends, then I saw him again at Vegas faire. In Vegas I was out to see my friend’s band play so I invited him out to hang out with us and he did come down and hang out, little did I know just hours earlier he had met someone at faire that he would be madly in love with in a matter of weeks. I was fine. I had stopped hoping, and praying that he would “come to his senses”. I was moving on, I was getting over him. Then he called me one weekend and invited me to come down and spend a weekend with him, he would take me to a football game, and we hang out like before. He was very flirty with me and even said he was looking forward to spending time with me again. (This is the part where the bus starts racing towards me again at full speed.) We had been texting all night, about baseball scores, when he stopped answering. “I said why aren’t you watching the game?” He texted back “because he is on a date with me.” I opened my phone and read those words and my heart just fell right out of my chest. He then replaied with” I am with someone I will call you tomorrow” I couldn’t believe that only a few hours ago he was telling me how much he wanted to be with me, and now he’s on a date, and she has his phone, and he is letting her text me? I wanted to punch something. Mostly him. In the junk. Instead I just sat there feeling the impact of that bus as it rolled over the top of me, dragging my heart out the door with it. I sat there in my livingroom staring at my phone, and thinking how can this be true? I must have sat there for hours in silence, just drinking glass after glass of booze. It was nearly dawn when I finally managed to drink enough to make me go to bed. The next day he explained that he had met this girl at faire and never even talked to her since, and out of the blue she asked him out, that afternoon. That was three weeks ago. We still text and talk, but just as friends, and because we are friends he shares what goes on in his life with me, including how much he thinks he loves her. I smile, and then I tell him how happy I am for him. A part of me truly is happy for him, but there is a part of me that wishes that it was me he was in love with with. Some day I hope that part of me just shrivels up and dies. All of my friends say things like, you are too good for him, but I know that they are just being good friends, and trying to make me feel better. I also know that even if this new person wasn’t in his life, I wouldn’t be. There are things in both of our lives that prevent us from being each others “one” right now.
I have been out on two dates with a very nice man, I am trying to move on but there is something missing with the new guy. He’s smart, funny, and really nice to me, I just don’t know what it is. RFG called tonight and I told him about the new guy, and I told him there was just something missing, and RFG said in jest “He’s not me?” Sadly I think he’s right, and until tonight I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Sometimes I wish I never had to feel anything.
Does anyone know someone who can exorcise RFG from my brain?
