The Ice Palace

I have lots of hobbies. I truly enjoy that. I get out, and meet people, and laugh and live. I had a friend tell me “she doesn’t wear the badge of busy”. I think if that works for you, then awesome. However, I don’t feel like I am too busy. I feel like I am living a full life and that works for me. I wasn’t always like that though. I always did the hobbies my husband/boyfriend wanted to do. I didn’t go do things *I* wanted to do unless I had someone with me.

I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned in my life in the last nine years. I don’t ever want to go back to being that person.

I used to be a desperate individual. I don’t ever want to NEED a man in my life so bad that I feel depressed if I don’t have one. I thought if I didn’t have a date, or a boyfriend constantly that I was less of a person. I thought that if I went to events and family gatherings without a man I would some how be chastised. I was delusional. I let myself be abused, put down, used, stolen from, belittled, and cheated on… all in the name of “love”.  I stayed with one man because I thought that if I left him I would have no place to go, that I somehow NEEDED him to support and take care of me and the kids. I was wrong, and I suffered for it. My children suffered for it. Sure there are days when I get up and think “wow this is hard to do on my own” but at the end of the day I DID do it on my own, and the feeling of accomplishment, and pride I get is worth it.

I see women in my life letting men use them, and walk all over them, cheat on, and abuse them. I see women stay in bad relationships for all the wrong reasons, and I want to scream at these women to get out. I want to tell them they will be OK out there, and their kids will be better off, and the whole family can be healthier. I want to clunk them over the head with a giant club of wisdom. Unfortunately I remember being in that place. That place that makes you feel like being alone is a bad thing. It’s not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. You just have to want it. You have to be brave enough to seek it out.

Yes, as humans we need other humans, and companionship. However, we can get that from lots of sources. It doesn’t always have to be in the arms of a man. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t going to be happy with someone else, unless I was able to be happy with JUST me. I had a lot of ME to work on. I guess maybe that was the plan all along. Maybe I just needed to get healthy and be a strong, independent woman. That way when someone special came along I could be in a healthy relationship, not a needy one.

Let me give you a little background story first. I manage a moving company, and sometimes, we are also a receiving/delivery company, for local contracting projects like hotels, hospitals etc. We receive the freight, store it in our warehouse, and deliver it when the project is completed. This means that when some freight comes in they have to give me notice due to the fact that we aren’t a staffed warehouse, and there is no way I am going out there and jumping on the forklift to receive that.

About two years ago we had a cancer center being built here, so we ended up with the contract for reciving, and storing the freight. Drivers would always try and drop their loads (I know that sounds dirty) here without calling ahead. I would always have to be a raging bitch and tell them, no way without prior aproval. I proceeded to annoy every freight driver in the county during this project. Except one.

His name is Mike. I only know this because he writes it on the freight bill. He’s not uber hot or anything like that but, kind of cute in a nerdy sort of way, and I tend to like nerdy guys. Every time he has had a delivery for the last two years he has flirted with me when he came in. One time he even offered to open the roll-up door for me. I don’t see him as much as I used to so he seems to talk to me longer each time he comes by. I decided the next time he was here I would flirt with him first and see what happens.

Fast forward to yesterday…

I have to schedule a pick up of a broken TV, so I call his freight line and have them send me a driver. I had a feeling it would be him, so I stayed in the office to wait for him, rather than go home early like I usually do. He showed up after receiving hours as usual, and honked his horn to let me know he was here. I put on lip gloss (you know the kind from Avon that makes your lips look wet and pouty?) and tossed my hair, and walked out into the warehouse. He was waiting when I opened the roll-up door with a big grin. Here was my chance.

I thought to myself “Say something clever, Debi”

I said as I pointed to the broken TV “I assume you are here to pick that up?”

What the hell? That wasn’t clever!

As I handed him the bill of lading so he could put a tracking label on it, I thought “wow, what a dolt… ok try again” of course… he beat me to it.

Mike: “Hey, I like that top you are wearing today. You just look really cute today!”

Me: “Oh! Thanks, my girlfriend says I look like a gay peacock in it.”<—insert WTF did I just say look here

Mike: ” Well she’s wrong you look great”

Me: “uh, thanks! I’ll run in and make a copy of this for you” <—again…What the hell? That’s NOT clever… or flirty… and mostly lame.

So I come back out with his copy, and I know he is about to leave after he fills up his water bottle, so it’s my last chance… what do I say?

Me: “Well, I probably won’t see you again for a while, since the market is so slow”

Mike: Yeah, I’m not hauling as much… well you have a nice afternoon Debi” (he lingers)

I say thanks, and stand there like a deer caught in car headlights. I drop the roll-up door down, and watch him drive away. I am completely lame. I have no flirt skills anymore. How did this happen?

*Bangs Head On Desk*

It’s a good thing I like my dog so much.

Last night as I went to bed I thought, “it’s a good thing I like my dog, with the lack of men in my life currently.” Honestly, I don’t think being alone right now is all that bad. I mean look at all the fun things I can do!

I compiled a list of reason being single is ok right now…

• I can sleep all day if I want
• I don’t have to put on make up or do my hair if I don’t want to
• I can have ice cream for dinner
• I can sleep on BOTH sides of the bed
• I don’t fall into the toilet in the middle of the night because he left the seat up.
• I don’t have to wash dirty socks
• I have control of the remote
• I can cry at sappy commercials
• I can fart any time I want (I know classy huh?)
• I don’t have to clean up the little hairs from the razor left around the sink

So you see, it’s really not all that bad.

Maybe I’ll take Harlee (the dog) for a nice long walk, who knows, maybe I’ll meet a nice guy? Read the rest of this entry »