The Ice Palace

…But That.

I just sat down to listen to some music. To have some alone time and think. I feel accomplished. I finally planted the tomato plants that have been wilting in their tiny little containers since last weekend. I am feeling good, and then M. calls. *starts to hear violins*

I had spoken to him earlier. We were talking about geocaching, and why on earth I would want to start another hobby, and what kind off fun treasures I might find. Although, I wouldn’t really be doing for the treasure. I guess it would be more about the hunt itself… maybe yet another need for that feeling of accomplishment. I don’t know. Anyway… I was making a joke, and said maybe you should come up here and help take care of your mom. He snapped back. I’m not living up there. My daughters are not going back there, so either am I. There it was, the final answer. His flipping back and forth, his looking at me like I was cake, his telling me how great I am… Poof. Gone. I sat there silent. What do you say? Gee, I know you have known me for like ten minutes of your life, but what about me? Us? Yeah right… that would have put me right back on the train to “Crazy Town”.

He broke the silence with “Hey…”

I said “what?”

He said “Nothing… Can I call you back? I am getting a call…”

That’s when I thought about the movie “Say Anything”. I mean I don’t imagine I will ever see M. standing outside my bedroom window with a boombox blaring “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. However it would have been nice to hear that even though he’s 6 hours away, he misses me.

He called back. I didn’t hear what I wanted. I didn’t hear Peter Gabriel. I heard him tell me again how he’s going to stay in San Diego. Then he added that his ex wife will be driving up here on Sunday to pick up their daughters. Great! Awesome! Fan-fucking-TASTIC! He now has no reason what so ever to come back. I have been officially “Friend-zoned”.

Again…

I gave it up for lent… or something like that.

I decided I am not going to go crazy bonkers over any more boyz. I use the term boyz, because most of the “men” I know act like children. I give up. I am tired of finding really great matches, and then something happens and they either run away, or I find out they are clinically insane, or both. I mean no one is perfect, and I like interesting people with interesting quirks… but really? Do I have to date every crazy douche bag on the planet?

Look at the year I have had! First there was the liar, McCheater pants Steve. Then I moved on to “the distraction”, and he was nice and treated me ok but decided hanging out with his posse of wiener dogs would be more fun than coming to see me. Been there, done that… got the T-shirt! Next! Somewhere in all of this of course I am still holding out hope that maybe some day RFG will come to his senses and be a grown up and see how much he wants me, but he never does. So then I meet M. He’s charming, and so attractive and we have a ton of things in common, and bonus he likes me… the problem is he can’t keep his mind made up for longer than like 2.5 seconds. He comes back from San Diego (thanks to me driving my happy ass down there to get him) and one minute he’s telling me how fabu I am and the then BAM he’s off to San Diego again. Now he wants to travel the country by train? WTF? Seriously? He makes me want to punch a baby! OK There I have vented. I feel better… wait no I don’t. I want him to want to stay here. I want him to miss me, like I miss him. I want him to know how much I care about him. I want to be able to just have a normal effing relationship without some form of madness. I want someone to eat dinner with, and someone to snuggle with. I want someone to laugh with, and go places with. I want someone to watch UCLA football games with, and someone to keep me warm at pirate faire. I’m not asking too much… so why can’t I find that?

So there it is My year so far… and only one of those times did I go a little crazy. I mean think about it, after what douche-bag Steve put me through I had a right to go bonkers! So that’s it… I’m done with crazy town. I am done with boyz who make me feel bad. I am done with boyz who make me cry. I am done with boyz who won’t commit, who lie, who cheat, who tell half truths, who make me believe I have a chance with them, when I don’t.

Good thing I love my dog!

M told me he was leaving for San Diego yesterday in a text message. To be fair, he did come by the towing company to say good bye. I guess the whole “I promise to go to faire with you this weekend” thing was um.. well bull shit? I don’t know how I feel right now. I want to be angry but how can I? What right do I have? Stupid hopeful me.

I was hurt. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to see if this was something great. I wanted him to tell me he is coming back in a few weeks to stay. Sadly, all he could tell me was that he would be back in a few weeks to get his girls and take them to their mom’s house. I stood there, in front of the office, the wind blowing my hair in my face. I could hear the phones ringing in the office. I knew the tow truck drivers and shop guys could see me standing there looking like I was about to burst into tears, but I didn’t care. I tried to be upbeat, and cool. I tried to be light hearted and act like I wasn’t feeling my lunch start to churn in my stomach every time I heard the “friend” word. I wanted to scream out how much I cared, and tell him how good we are together. I wanted to ask him why he would leave he if he liked me as much as he said he did? How can you feel what *I* thought we both felt, and want to leave? I wanted to grab him, and throw him in my car and drag him back to the beach where we had our first kiss. Instead, I hugged him, and kissed him goodbye. I no other choice.

I walked back into my office. I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes, but I didn’t cry. I had to suck it up. I had to sit there staring blankly at the computer, entering all of the information from the form in front of me, like a dazed robot. I had no where to escape to and be alone with my thoughts. The phones kept ringing. Drivers still needed to be dispatched. It was an hour before I could come home. It was the longest hour ever. I got a text from him shortly after he left. All it said was “smile”. How could I smile when I was dying inside?

He called me about 2 hours later on his way there. We talked for about an hour and I told him everything I was feeling. I told him that I wanted him to come back because I cared. I told him I wanted to be with ONLY him, and that I was willing to take a gamble that he might move here to stay when he comes back in a few weeks. If it happens it happens. I told him I didn’t want to hear if he “tripped and fell into someone”. He said he didn’t want to hear that about me either. I don’t know if that means he cares. I give up trying to understand men.

He told my friend the other night “if he didn’t marry me in a year he would be an idiot.” I tend to agree. However, I would just like the chance to date him at this point.

So, tomorrow night I pack up my car to spend the weekend with my friends at pirate faire in Ojai. I’ll run away to dress up and pretend I am someone I am not, and for a few brief hours I will not be sad. I won’t feel rejected or unloved. I will be in my happy place. However, “RFG” will be there. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad at this point. I still care a lot about “RFG”, but I think he’s always going to be hung up on someone that’s not me so it’s probably a moot point to even think he will be a factor at this faire.

I seem to always be running… am I running away from someone or to someone this time?

I finally meet a great guy who likes me, and we have this amazing chemistry. So why can’t I just have happy? Why can’t it be the right time, right now. I know I have to be patient and let God work in all this. I know that I need to let his timing be his timing and not mine, but really? Do I really have to wait until I am 80 years old to find someone?

M is great. Just GREAT! However, he just dropped a lovely bomb on me he moved here from San Diego. He lives with his sister, until he can get his own place. His daughter hates it here, and he is about to lose his truck. He says he needs to go back to San Diego to make enough money to make a down payment on another truck. I really do understand, and I want to be one of those women who say it’s ok you do what you have to do. I want to smile and be supportive and say he’s making the right choice. I want to tell him when he gets it all together I’ll be here.

However, that’s not just who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love with all of my heart. I fall hard, when I do fall and I always daydream that I can have my happily ever after. I’m just a big stupid, sappy romantic, that just keeps getting her heart broken.

I know I am being a goof. I know I haven’t even spent a week with him. I haven’t invested a lot of time in him, so I shouldn’t feel like this. I know I don’t really know him, but how can we look at each other the way we do, and feel the way we do about each other, and there not be something to this?  How can there be sooo much between us and he just pick up and leave. It’s not fair. I can’t tell him any of this of course. I don’t have the right to ask him to stay. I don’t even have the right to be hurt when he leaves, but I will be.

It’s my own fault. I let myself daydream again. I let myself have those butterflies. I let my guard down. I knew when I looked into those big brown eyes of his, I was in trouble. When we had our first date and he said let’s go for a walk, I should have ran to my car, and never looked back. It would have been easier to never know what could have been, then to watch him drive off to San Diego, knowing that in a few short hours I felt something for a man that I can’t have. That doesn’t want me enough to stay.

I feel like the most selfish person in the world. I feel like I shouldn’t even be saying these things in my blog. I know in my head it’s not right. However my heart screams take a chance, and tell him how you feel. Why? So I can be rejected yet again? I can’t. I can’t throw myself under anymore buses. I can’t spend weeks of my life pining away for a guy who wouldn’t even stay in town and take that chance on me.

I deserve my happy. I deserve to be looked at like a fat kid looks at cake. I deserve to be a factor in someone’s life.

I am sitting here tired from lack of sleep, and sore from laughing so much, but I am also cautiously optimistic.

I met someone. M. He seems smart, funny, sweet, and I think he is so handsome. The best part is he seems to like me as well. We just spent the last two days getting to know each other, getting to like each other, and having one of the most amazingly romantic first kisses ever.

I wasn’t scared when I spent the last two days with M. I felt this amazing connection, and attraction. I felt like it was all going too fast, but it felt right so I just let myself go and enjoyed the way it felt to have someone tell me I was beautiful, and tell me how much they liked me. There is always a catch though isn’t there? I want to be able to just enjoy that I met him. I want to be able to spend time with someone and not worry that when I wake up it’s going to all be a dream, or I’ll find out that everything I thought I knew was wrong. I want to be able to day dream and think that maybe just maybe I can have that happiness with someone. So why can’t I? I’m afraid.

I am afraid I will fall. I am afraid I will get hurt. I am afraid I will be humiliated again. I have always been really good about being “broken” and getting right back up on that horse ever hopeful that my fairy tale romance will happen. Hopeful that I will have that happily ever after with someone who wants to be with me, for me. Not for what they can get out of me. What if the next time I fall, and break my heart it just doesn’t heal, and I can’t try anymore?

I sit here torn. Do I throw caution to the wind and take a chance on someone who has the potential to run back to San Diego, ultimately breaking my heart. Or… do I walk away now and keep the last two days as a wonderful memory, and protect my heart.

I’ve never been much of a gambler…. except when it comes to finding love.

(go ahead say it like the little creepy lady in Poltergeist)

A few weeks ago I was sitting in my living room and I realized that everything was back to normal. Everything was “pre steve”. It was a great feeling to be completely over what happened. Finding out I was not the only one he was doing it to help so much! After all I have learned about him from his other victims, I don’t feel like I was in a bad relationship that ended. I feel like I was conned, and raped of dignity by a man that is clearly demented, and a psychopath. I pity him, but mostly his children who are being raised by a crazy man who will ruin their lives by teaching them that what he does is ok.

I didn’t continue to date J. He was fun, but I believe he was too busy for an adult relationship where you both make sacrifices for each other, and the relationship. He was always willing to see me, if I traveled to seem him, but would not make the effort to come see me. *red flag* You see, I learned from my last episode, by seeing the red flags, and actually running away from them this time! So Good Bye to “The Distraction” as my friends called him. Yes Paul, that IS his “Jersey Shore” name!

I’m not going to look anymore for Mr. Right for a while. I have a lot to keep me busy, and I figure if it happens it happens!

It’s quiet here this morning. The sun is shining and it’s going to be a really beautiful day out today. It’s the quiet times in the last couple of weeks that have made me reflect back to where I was a few weeks ago. It’s helped me to see clearly what was happening for the last 4 months, and what it was doing to me, not only emotionally, but physically. My hair used to fall out in huge strands, my periods were wonky, and I felt like I was always in need of a long nap. I blamed my age, and my diet, and lack of exercise. I believe that the changes I made did help with everything, but I believe that when I removed the stress, and drama of Steve from my life, things got better. My hair hasn’t looked this healthy and great in years. I have lost weight, and I feel better.

It’s a little better each day. I still have moments of brief sadness. Mostly grieving the loss of four months of my life and $450.00. However, I don’t miss him. I don’t miss wondering what he was doing all day. I don’t miss wondering who he was talking to besides me. I don’t miss the lies, and the worry, and wondering how much money I was going to be short this month because of him. I don’t even worry that I will run into him when he graduates from school. I know that he has a new sucker…er I mean girlfriend who he will use to move out of his ex-wife/wife’s house and stay in the area he is already in. It’s sad, but she was warned.

I am moving on. Meeting new people, and making a lot of new friends. I believe that things happen for a reason, and maybe that had to happen for me to meet some of the people that I did. I have an awesome new girlfriend named Shelly, that I really enjoy doing girl things with. I already have some really great girlfriends, but they live so far away it’s hard to do lunch, and pedicures and things like that. Shelly loves all of those kinds of things. Had it not been for the relationship with Steve, I would never had met her. For that I am thankful.

I have met a new man as well. I will call him J. It’s soon I know, but it just kind of happened. He’s nice, and very much a gentleman. I like talking to him and spending time with him. He’s fun. He thinks I am funny and beautiful, and he doesn’t live with an ex… so he’s already ahead of the game! I am taking things very slow with him. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made with Steve. We will see how this turns out.

I am really looking forward to this weekend, and the Lompoc Renaissance faire. I am looking forward to spending the day with people who I genuinely love, and who genuinely love me in return. I am looking forward to just being able to get back out there and start living again!

A little more each day…

I haven’t cried since yesterday on the way home from taking care of my grandma. That’s a beginning I suppose. I look back on the last 4 months of my life, and I see wasted time. I see me in turmoil constantly over what I thought was a beautiful relationship. For the past two months I was in agony over this man who I thought loved me. I wanted to hang on to him so badly because “I knew in my heart he was the right person to be with”. That scares me. If I can feel like that over someone who is such a terrible person then how can I ever trust myself again? I guess that was the problem. I was supposed to be trusting God, NOT myself.

It hurts, and it hurts bad. It hurts so bad I want to scream and cry, and bang my fists against the desk. I want to go back in time so I could never ever waste that much time and money on a man who wasn’t worth it.

I am so much better than that. I deserve to be happy some day. I WILL be happy, and I will find someone who is honest, loving, loyal and caring. I will find someone who will tell me “good morning beautiful” every morning, and “good night my love” every night, and that person will only be saying it to me. Not 4 other girls. I will find someone who will care enough about me to want to take care of a family with me, not use and take money away from my family. I will meet someone who loves me for me.

Douche-bags need not apply!

Or Maybe that should say… still. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life in a long time. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. I feel like I just want to burst into tears all the time. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know how I could let someone in so deep that when they left it would devastate me this much. I frankly have no idea how I can recover from this and be the same person I was. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe this was the catalyst to create a change in me.

It was all a lie. S. started lying to me the minute he started talking to me. It’s hard to believe that this all started in December, maybe even November when I met him. It’s hard to believe that this wonderful, caring, loving, sweet man was nothing but a con artist. However, it’s true.

I sent him the following mail yesterday morning;

Dear Steve,

This is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it has to be done. I will probably always love you, or at least the person I thought you were. You came into my life when I wasn’t REALLY looking for anyone. I had been recently hurt and I was not sure about taking a chance on someone with little kids. I did though, and I fell hard. I guess I trusted you and felt more comfortable with you because you were from here. Home. I thought you would understand why I enjoy raising kids here, and the local festivals, and all that the coast has to offer. I thought that you and I were going to start a life together here, and it would be perfect. I just wanted love. I just wanted someone to call my own, who would love me unconditionally.YOU led me to this belief that I could have that with you, many many times. I feel like I was duped.

I let you into to a place I don’t let many people, and you took advantage of that. I loved you with my whole heart, and you broke that into a million little pieces. I trusted you enough to be around my family, and now my kids are let down too. How can you, as a person who wants to heal people, come into another person’s life and do what you have done? WHY? Why would you take another human being’s heart and just stomp all over it by cheating? Why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t want to be with me anymore? Why couldn’t you just be the man you pretend to be and tell me what I did wrong, and move on? I gave you chance after chance after chance to tell me the truth with no repercussions, and yet you STILL lied. Do you even know what the truth is anymore?

I’m not sure what happened. I’m not sure when the lies began. I’m not sure if any of those things you said to me were true. I want to believe you are a good person, and a part of me STILL did believe that right up until yesterday. I believed that a person like you, a compassionate person, a good dad, a “fight for justice” kinda guy would never use, or abuse someone. I want to believe that you did love me, and you did think I was beautiful. I want to believe that when I was in your arms, that is where YOU wanted me to be. I want to believe that you were coming for Christmas until Gino got sick. I want to believe that on Valentine’s day you were umpiring in another city. I want to believe that there is no one else in your life but me. I want to believe that you were going to finish school and come here and we were going to be happily ever after. I wanted to believe that you were coming two weeks ago to see me. I want to believe in YOU. However, I don’t. I have caught you in too many lies. Too many wacky crazy stories, about funerals and being sick, and needing time for school, and being able to drive home from San Pedro in record time. You lied to me from day one about the living situation between you and Shelly. You waited until I was in Camarillo to tell me. I should have been upset and that should have been enough to make me walk away, but you already had my heart.

I’m not a fool. I knew in Jan. something had changed. I don’t know what. I may never ever know why you changed your mind about being with me. I may never know if you ever really meant all of the things you said to me. I may never really know if you truly loved me or not. I may never really know about all the other women. However I do know enough to know that you have been lying to me long enough. I don’t know if you really wanted a gas card or more money, or crazy sex or a place to live. I have no idea why you continued to tell me that you loved me while seeing other people. That’s not love. That’s a lie. That’s cruel. That’s emotional abuse. For months you have made me think all of this was in my head and that *I* was crazy, when it was actually all true.

You need help if you think that love is dating more than one person at a time. I pray to God that you find happiness with yourself, so that you can find happiness with someone else. I pray that you don’t raise your sons to think that what you did to me is ok to do to women. Because it’s not. I wish things could have been different. I wish you could have been the man you made me believe you were. I wish our story was truly “History in the making”. I wish so much that our first kiss was my last first kiss. I wish that when you read this you are sad, and wish you could hold me in your arms and kiss me again, but I know that’s not how you will feel. You will feel angry, and indignant. Go ahead. Blame me. Tell the world you were scorned. It won’t help. I wish you loved me the way you said you did, but I know I can wish and wish and wish all day on falling stars and it’s never going to make you change.

Can I have my heart back now?

I thought it was a nice letter, and he did act just as I thought he would. He told me never to txt him or call him again. Gee, I thought that is what I was saying in that letter? It made me angry that he still treated me like I had done something wrong.

Yesterday I talked to K. K, you see is his OTHER girlfriend of the past two months. I had seen that he added her on facebook, and I just knew. I looked at her profile, and of course it said she was “missing her boyfriend Steve” I emailed  her and asked if she had a boyfriend named Steve Indendi(cause all liars and cheaters shall now be called out by name). She said yes. I felt like I needed to throw up. I felt so broken hearted all over again for me but also her. I knew she had no idea what kind of man he was. I wrote her a letter telling her everything, but I didn’t send it. I waited, and prayed and talked to my friends about what I should do. I knew that once I sent that both of our lives would be changed forever, and I wasn’t sure that I could live with that. Then I decided it wasn’t me that was hurting her, that is was Steve. He did this. He lied to her, and me, and whoever else is out there. I sent the e-mail yesterday morning and waited for the fall out. She gave me her phone number and I called. I was shaking like a leaf. I told her my story, and she told me hers. It started much like it did with us. He met her on a dating site, and turned on the charm, hard and fast. He told her how much he loved her, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He told her she was beautiful, and she was a great mom. He told her that they would take a cruise together for her birthday. He also told her that he had never been married, and… he has… twice. He also forgot to mention his current living arrangement to her. The fact that he lives with his ex and lied about it should be a problem. The entire time, he was still txting me telling me he loved me and missed me and how badly he wanted to be with me. I knew he was lying to me, but deep down a part of me wanted to believe that maybe he wasn’t. That maybe I was just being paranoid and some how all of this would magically be fixed. I know that was me just trying to hang on to that fairy tale. When she told me about herself I couldn’t help but think, no wonder he picked her. She is really smart, and funny, and seems to have a lot going for her. I am not just heartbroken for myself, but also for her. I just wanted to tell her it wasn’t her fault and give her a hug. I wanted to rewind the clock for her more than me. I feel like she has so much more to offer to someone, and someone like her should not have to feel the way I currently do. When we got off the phone she seemed to be ok. She said she was going to be done with him. She didn’t have time to waste on him.  She was so strong, that she inspired me. She is someone I would like to be friends with, but if she gives him another chance I would just be so sad for her. He’s a very convincing person, and I know that he has an answer for everything I told her, because she told me the horrible things he said about me. I can deal with him calling me a liar, and a stalker. I expected that from him. This is exactly what he said about the girl who tried to warn me about him in Jan. *I* know the truth. I know that I did the right thing. I know that I tried to save her from anymore pain. She has to do the rest.

I’m sad. I’m not sad because Steve turned out to be a douche-bag. I’m not sad that he borrowed money from me he will never pay back. I’m not sad because I “don’t have a boyfriend” I am sad because I am grieving the “what was going to be” All the things that I let myself believe could happen. The happily ever after. All the wonderful fairy tale pictures he painted for us. The thought that all the simple things he told me we would do together, like cook dinner, or snuggle on the couch, will never happen again. We will never travel to Utah together, or decorate the Christmas tree together. We won’t raise kids and grand kids together.

I can look back now and see signs. I can see a lot of signs now. He never called me from home. He was always in the truck. He slipped up one time and said to me “…you know your favorite show Little House On The Prairie?” I asked him why did you say that? That’s never been my favorite show! He said “Oh! I just thought you would like it.” He then laughed and made a joke about it, and I forgot all about it, until yesterday. He sent me the same pic from his phone a couple of times and when I would tell him that he had sent that to me, he would say things like… oh well it missed you. At the end he was getting sloppy. I see that now. I mean it must be hard to juggle a wife(maybe) and several girlfriends, and go to nursing school right?

I found out a lot more yesterday. It wasn’t just K. and R.(the girl that warned me in Jan.) and I. There were at least two other girls we know about, and *I* suspect at least another recent one while he was with K and I. He asked them to borrow money too.What do we all have in common? We are all curvy, single moms with big boobs. I guess he figured that fat curvy women have less self esteem and would be more likely to be in need of the kind of attention he gives.

He starts by making you feel beautiful all the time. He tells you that he could easily fall for you, and you are the only woman he wants to be with. He loves all the same music, and movies as you. He has been to the same places as you, and he loves all the same hobbies as you. He is a “simple family man who just wants to snuggle on the couch”. He has waited his whole life to find someone like you, and he knows why… because YOU are his soul mate. What he forgets to tell you is he just sent that text message to 3 of his other soul mates!He starts every morning with “Good Morning Beautiful” He ends each day with “Good Night My Love”. He sends you a text with his voice saying I love you over and over. He texts you all day every day just to let you know he is thinking about you, or loves you.  He tells you he loves to cook, and bake, and he can’t wait to cook for you. He tells you that once you are together he will fix things around the house that have needed fixing for a while. He tells you that this time next year you two will be together, living happily ever after. He tells you he wants to take you on a cruise, and show you the world. He will tell you that he wants to take you to all of his umpire tournaments. He will tell you all about how beautiful the Mormon tabernacle is and how he wants to take you with him to Utah to see it again. He will tell you that he would love to help with your kids, and he can’t wait for you to meet his kids. He will tell you that he will take care of you once he becomes a nurse and makes all kinds of money.

Then it happens, his phone acts strange and he needs money to get it fixed, or you can’t talk to him until he can afford a new one. His phone bill needs to be paid, he doesn’t have the gas money to come see you… He never comes right out and asks you for the money. He would rather hint around until you feel so bad for him, that you give him money. You will feel bad for him too. He is that good.

He is always the victim, never the bad guy. His first ex wife accused him of this and that and is a psycho that’s why he’s not with his daughter. Oh wait. He didn’t tell you he had a teenage daughter? Oh he does! Then his current roomie, and said ex wife he will tell you is also a psycho, bi-polar mess who doesn’t even want her kids. If he tells you he is living alone, ask to come see his place on any given week night, I bet he has an answer for why you can’t come over then too. The first girl that tried to warn me of all of this. He painted her out to be some crazy girl he talked to on line who was obsessed with his kids. She is actually an RN who he stood up on new years eve, left her crying all night long with no explication of where he was or why he didn’t show up until the next day. He also paints a lovely picture of me now. I am currently know as the crazy girl he went to high school with who he dated a long time ago but I turned into a stalker.Well we did go to high school together, at least THAT isn’t a lie. I guess in his eyes, going around trying to catch him in a lie, because he was telling me he was in love with me right up to the day that I talked to K, would be stalking. If that’s what it takes to catch him cheating, then so be it. I have a family to protect, and my heart to worry about. I asked him to tell the truth and he didn’t. What was I to do? Pretend that it’s ok that he’s with all these other women? I think Not.

When he leaves your house he will tear up, and tell you he doesn’t want to leave you. How he can see himself living with you for the rest of your life.

He never had any intention of doing any of these things. He is a con artist who wanted someone to pay for things for him, and give him a place to live. That is my new reality. No more fairy tales. No more happily ever after. Just me, and my kids, and my dog.

UPDATE(May 12th): I just read this again after two months. My letter was how I was feeling. It was real, it was who I was, and what I believed at the time. After finding out all that he is/was, and what he has/is doing to women. I feel like I almost need to edit the letter and tell the world… no no no I don’t love him anymore, I never will love him anymore, and I never really did love HIM. I loved this persona that I thought he was. Sadly, nothing he ever said to me was real. I am great. I have moved on. I am a whole person again. However, looking back makes me sad for the person I was back then, just two short months ago. I could not have gotten through any of the without the grace of God!

I have some really great friends. I really do, and I love that some of them care enough about me to call and check on me and make sure I haven’t thrown myself off a cliff with a note pinned to my chest saying ” It’s All S’s Fault”.  I love that some of them want me to get out and have fun and get my mind off of everything.

However, I don’t want people to call me just to ask what crazy thing S. did now. He texts me. I read it. The End. I understand that I am like a celebrity and my life is like a tabloid, but really? Do you have to keep asking me every day about S.? OK OK It was funny to mock me and my past relationship for all of like 5 minutes, but now it’s just dredging up things that I would rather leave in my past. I made a mistake. I trusted someone that turned out to be a cad. I fell for a guy blah blah blah… move on nothing to see here. If you want me to move on… then oh I don’t know… maybe you should LET ME!?

I’m not the person I used to be. I’m not going to let S. back into my life JUST because you think I am. Just because I don’t answer my phone and share every sorted detail of how I feel about S. today with you doesn’t mean I am sharing it with everyone BUT you. Maybe I just really am tired of talking about it… or in this case being accused of being stupid. Maybe JUST Maybe I really am ok?