The Ice Palace

Last night I decided it would be a swell idea to go to our local county fair. I called up my friend Ryan. The one that got fired from The Grid for talking to some girl on the phone. (he would like me to point out he did a LOT more than that to get fired) I told him what fun we would have and he decided to go. He met me at my house and I drove to the fair. On the way to the fair we played with my new satellite radio in my car. It went from 80’s music to reggae, to dance rave type music, to showtunes. When we got to the showtunes we started talking about what shows we had seen lately, and he mentioned that he had seen Phantom, and it was awesome. That’s great. I am truly happy for you Ryan, but WHY OH WHY did you feel the need to tell me all about your glitter fantasy? Ryan apparently only has one fantasy involving a woman dressed as a fairy wearing so much glitter that he will find it in his bed for the next three weeks. Oh and he SWEARS he’s not gay…Yeah ok whatever! While on our way to the fair we almost rear-ended a Volvo driving old hag that apparently had to look at the car pulled over on the side of the road. Ryan was screaming “I’m in my happy place. I’m in my happy place” I am guessing that place involved glittered fairies. The fair provides shuttle service to the fair if you park miles away. That bus ride to the fair is always a prelude to the freakshow we are about to endure. There was one couple who apparently didn’t get the “how to dress for the fair” manual. She had on high heel sandals and a mini skirt…..I dunno maybe she was really a prostitute trying to get downtown for free….But heels at the fair? Ok so for all of you out there in blog land that don’t know what to wear to the fair I have prepared this quick easy to follow guide.

1.You are going to do a lot of walking (or “model walking” if you are me) so wear comfortable shoes! No heels! Besides you are going to get all drunk and stab a cow pie with that heel and walk all over looking really foolish. Do you really want that?

2. No hats that either make you look like you are going to rob a 7-11 store, cowboy hats that you can smuggle a midget under, or WWII helmets. Please for the love of GOD do not buy one of those airbrushed trucker hats that say “Babygirl” and then proceed to wear it off to the side. You look ridiculous.

3. If you are in fact over 200lbs, DO NOT wear a babydoll camisole blouse, with your belly hanging out. I mean if you are “fluffy” and you love the way you look that it awesome, but I don’t wanna see your “Pillsbury dough boy” impression.

4. If you are wearing a fanny pack of any kind you should be shot on site! If you are wearing it to the front it is STILL a fanny pack, STOP IT!

5.. If you are a man please do not pull your pants up so high that they are directly under your ginormous man boobs, not pointy toed boots, no neckerchiefs (you are not at boy scout camp), no airbrushed wife-beaters, and OMG lose the trucker hat you freako Ashton wannabe! Oh and if your pants are falling off yer butt, please pull them up cause I don’t wanna see your hairy butt crack while I am trying to watch a concert. Thanks!

Ok now back to my trip to the fair… So we get there and I end up getting something fruity in a blinky cup. The gal at the booth insisted I turn my cup on to blink some seizure inducing light show. I wasn’t thrilled with that so I told her I was epileptic and she should feel bad. She looked all shocked at me, and walked away. In the mean time Ryan made a friend at the beer booth. The girl asked him ” Do you keep coming over here cause you like us?” Of course Ryan was just after the beer….But he was polite and said “uh yeah sure” She was not convinced. You know he didn’t go back after that. I think she scared him away. We walked around the fair while I drank 2 more of those fruity concoctions. They seemed so refreshing and innocent at the time! Damn you fruity drinks! Ryan decided we needed to eat something, so I opted for a hot dog on a stick (drunk fair food YAY!) and he ate a bratwurst. I vaguely remember calling “CG” and telling him I was at the fair. Why I did this I had no idea…I remember him asking me if I was drunk and I said “I think so” All I remember was CG saying “It’s still daylight outside!”….Is there some rule that I can only be drunk from fruity fair drinks AFTER dark? I didn’t get that memo…Oh well. Ryan and I made our way to the Smashmouth concert. I’m not a huge fan or anything in fact before last night if you had ask me to name their songs I couldn’t have without hearing it first. Well I STILL can’t really except the Happy Days song. Now I had no idea WHY we were going except that it was free. We got some seats fairly close to the front of the stage, and sat down. Of course at that very moment I had to use the ladies room. So I left Ryan there talking to some strange man while I went to go find the nearest bathroom. Well that happened to be by the fruity blinky drinky place, so I got a “refill”. On the way back I noticed I was walking like one of those run way models. You know the kind that walk like horses clomping down one foot in front of the other. Apparently I thought it was a good idea. I am sure someone, somewhere is blogging about this and explaining it is in fact, NOT a good idea. I finally found Ryan again through the sea of teen agers I had to wade through to get back to my seat. I told him about my fabulous new walk, but he seemed unimpressed. So there we sat in our great seats waiting for the show to start, thinking we had a primo spot for …Who is it we are here for again?…That was all fine and dandy until they came on stage. Then a gang of 17 year old boys, an overweight father of two young girls, (who by the way thought it was a good idea to hold his 2 year old daughter in front of the speaker while pumping her arm in the air while she sobbed) a clearly retarded man, a couple of butch looking women, and two girls in trucker hats rushed the stage in front of us. It’s a good thing no one made me spill my fruity concoction of booze or I woulda had to sit there and do nothing because dammit I was scared. I looked at Ryan and said why are we here? He said “I dunno, I hear there are funnel cakes here” Some clown behind me kept screaming “Do All-Star!” to the band. The people in front of me would turn around and look at this guy like they were going to revolt and attack him at any moment. I thought it would be a good idea instead to shout out “DO THE SHREK SONG!” Bad plan! We stayed for two or maybe three songs because they all sounded the same to me. There was one about “Fonzi” from “Happy Days”, I am sure of it. They did the shrek song, that made me happy, and then it was time to go. Ryan wanted a funnel cake. Normally this would have been a great idea. However, after my 3 fruity blinky drinks it was in fact a bad idea. If you ever think about doing it…Just don’t. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, except on the shuttle bus ride back to the car the lady in front of us closed the window, and proceeded to fart. It smelled like an entire zoo crawled up in her and died. It was all I could do not to throw up in her hair. I just kept thinking of Patsy and her throw up in her hands story, and how I didn’t want one of my own and we finally made it to the car. We went back to my house, where I promptly passed out from too many fruity blinky drinks, and lack of sleep. Jen B. and I will be going back tonight to attend the Berlin concert, so I should have even more stories tomorrow! Hopefully they will not involve any glitter or model walking!

I am going to go lay down on my desk now…

So my office gets bottled water…I dunno why. No one drinks it. I am the only one in the office and unless it suddenly becomes caffeinated I am not drinking it. That and the water tank that it dispenses from looks like it was shoved up someone’s butt and yanked back out it is so funky gross.

Yet, every other week Mike comes to see me. I think he really comes to drop off new bottles of water(cause the other ones have gathered dust) for the office, but let me have my moment ‘K? Today sat down right in front of me and looked at me like he was actually going to have a conversation with me. When I figured out how to speak, I asked him what he needed. Secretly I was hoping he would say “Only you, my Goddess of moving!” Sadly he said “A quote to move out of state”. Not only is my water boy, who looks really good in those little blue shorts, going to be moving away from me. He is also going out of state? WHO will bring me water I never drink? What if the new guy is mean and yells at me for not drinking the water? What if the new guy doesn’t give us free cups? (That we never use…But STILL…They are FREE!) more importantly…How will I live without my visits from Mike the water boy? Did I mention he has nice teeth?

What a CRUEL CRUEL WORLD!

One upon a time *I* was a Call Center Princezz… When I first moved back to the area I live in now (I grew up here) I needed internet access because I had an addiction to on line porn…Ok not really but it sounded good. I needed internet fast, and there was a local company in town called “The Grid”. My mom had given me a CD, and said all you have to do is put this in your PC and you have access. Well I called them, got myself one of those fancy DIAL-UP accounts. SHUT UP! This was a long time ago…and started to get connected with this “super disk”. Well it ended up jacking up my already crappy computer, so I was forced to call their tech support number. I hated that since I thought I was quite the computer geek. I got connected to a very nice man named Chris (we shall call him Fruit Smoothie) who ended up getting me connected finally, and helping me fix my computer issues even though he wasn’t suppose to. He said he was impressed with a girl who could “speak geek”, and told me to e-mail him just to make sure my internet was working. OF COURSE he was hitting on me, but I didn’t care cause I was new in town and didn’t have a boyfriend. So I did and we started talking all the time. We ended up going on a few dates. He knew I needed a job and encouraged me to apply there where he worked. I did and much to my delight I was hired on as a customer service rep. That was ok until I found out that “Fruit Smoothie” liked to visit porn shop arcades A LOT. I mean that I can get over but the fact that his ex wife went on a date with us one time was TOO much (ok so I had invited an old high school friend for potential dating purposes—but STILL).

The Grid was an eclectic mix of college students, nerds, and losers. It was the most fun I had ever had at a job. I got to talk on the phone, play on high speed internet, and eat all day long. It was like getting paid to sit and do what I wanted to do at home. The day crew consisted of my supervisor L. She was a bitter lesbian, who liked to go out to Sushi a lot. I really liked working for her, but I think she wanted me. Then there was my cube-mate Chad. He was great, but thought I wanted him from my first day…Hello…You are gay…Um NO! We ended up pissing everyone in our office off with our garish Christmas decorations, complete with a live tree. Somehow we did NOT care. He ended up becoming my roommate instead. There was Fusco, who was our Web Hosting guru. He was really nerdy, and totally cocky…We all made fun of him behind his back because he lived with his mom and lived off Top Ramen noodles…Ok to his face…But ya know it was GREAT! I think he had a fantasy about becoming a waiter, because he always took our food orders for meetings. There was “The little boy with leukemia” well ok she was not a boy, nor Ill…But she was some bitchy little short lesbian with one of those “I hate men” hair-cuts. She came back bragging about how she went to some concert and they let her dance on stage, and I ended up making some comment about how “they most likely let her on stage because they felt sorry for the little boy with a terminal illness”. There was my OTHER supervisor B. I remember he would always take us all out bar hopping with his gold card and call it a write off. He was hot, and to this day I still fantasize I could be MRS.. B…But I think he married some short chick a while back so perhaps I should just let go of that dream huh? There were a few people on the night shift that I had become friends with while I trained them too. Ryan was one that I remember most. I think he had a crush on me from the beginning but I always had a boyfriend while I worked there so no chance. He was fired from there for talking on the phone every night to some girl 2 hours away, and ignoring other calls. He should have got the hint when his supervisor (who had listened in on all of his calls) told him he was “suave”. He later instigated a failed e-mail take down of the company after he left, that lead to a career change of serving food in tights.

Some how I got promoted to Quality Assurance. All that meant is that I got paid a lot more to narc out all of my friends back in customer service when they sat on the phone talking to their friends. I loved that job, but they downsized and threw me back into customer service with the same rate of pay. I was like a kid at Christmas I was so excited. Although Customer Service wasn’t as fun anymore. Chad got fired for sexual harassment of a lesbian. (Before that I think you had to commit murder in order to be fired from that place.) so my partner in call center crime was gone. I ended up hanging out with our office admin. Now I could go on and on and she deserves a post all her own, because she is in fact a witch….

But that will have to come later. I ended up gaining 20lbs, a LOT of friends, and a lot of skills working for that place, but sadly they closed the call center when Earthlink(The Devil’s I.S.P.) bought us out. It was still the best job I have ever have.

Well I bet you figured CG had derailed into some vast void in the Earth’s surface. He has not. SURPRISE! We have spoken just about everyday since he got back from his friend’s funeral. I know he couldn’t believe it either. For the most part it was the same mindless dribble as before. He would talk on and on about the movie TR*Y, and trains. Which bored the hell out of me most of the time, so I could not put you loyal fans of The Ice Palace through that too.

I had just about given up hope that he was even human…Then one day it happened! He started being something from this planet instead of the “Planet Train Town”. He was amusing, so I indulged him. It was refreshing to speak to a man and not have the conversation wander into something about sex every time. We talked about relationships, political views (Hey Jenne he’s on “Our” team) and a lot of other serious stuff that doesn’t fall under the heading of “Fluff”, but can’t be blogged about.

It’s kind of strange, because up to this point I didn’t think we had one single thing in common, except that we lived in the same town, and breathed air. It seems we do have quite a bit in common actually.

I dunno maybe he is a good guy after all? I think all of the cockiness is just a defense. I called him a playah yesterday. He laughed and said his friends would all think that was crazy, since in his words ” he has no game”.

He’s leaving for training in a week, and he will be gone for a month. I really want to see him before he leaves, but with our busy schedules I don’t know if it’s going to be possible.

Gosh could I actually LIKE this guy? *Gasp* NO NO NO NO…I refuse…

Diva: I did NOT SAY SMITTEN! NanananaBooBoo. 

Now I would like to preface this post by saying not ALL boyz are stupid, and behave badly…Or I will never hear the end of it from Charlie.

A recent chat with one of my friends got me thinking about some of the BOYZ I have dated in my past. I call them BOYZ because if they were real men they probably wouldn’t behave the way they did. I have actually dated some really wonderful men, just not that great for me. Then there are the men that for some reason feel it is absolutely necessary to lie to me. I just don’t get it. I mean I understand if you are cheating on me (and if you are you are a fool for SO many reasons) you would lie to me. However, I have had men lie about the most ridiculous things ever. Here are a few examples;

The last guy I dated we shall call “Chef”. I met him on line. His ad said he knew his way around a kitchen. I later found out THAT was a lie too unless you count chicken caserole made with minute rice, and Campbell’s soup or the bagel dogs he bought at costco to heat in the microwave. I thought he was very sweet, sexy, charming etc etc. My friends thought he was a bit “nerdy”. That’s ok with me because I like nerdy guys. We met up a couple of times and he seemed interested. After a while I asked him if we were “a couple” type thingy. The ONLY reason I asked is because I was also chatting with someone other men at the same time that were interested, and I didn’t want to start something with them, if he thought it was a bad idea. *I* removed my personal ad, he did not (I should have known right then he was a liar) He said “Sure” I would later find out that was his standard answer to everything. I asked him numerous times if this is really what he wanted, because I was cool with just dating and getting to know one another. He insisted it was what he wanted. Well Halloween rolled around and he thought it would be a great idea if we got matching costumes and went out to a fabulous party or something. He even planned on getting us a hotel room with a jaccuzzi in it for the evening since we were going to be out of town. If he “Just wasn’t that in to me” why did he do all of that? This went on for a few months. He met my family, spent the Thanksgiving holiday with us. He met my kids, all of my friends..The whole nine yards. I had no idea that anything was wrong until I discovered he had not only cheated on me (with more than one woman he met on line & more than one time) but he was telling his friends, family, coworkers etc, that he was lonely, and didn’t have a girlfriend. This is what I don’t get…If you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone why say that you do? I admit that when I found out about his infidelity I freaked out. I MAY HAVE called him a few names. I MAY HAVE said he was mentally retarded. I MAY HAVE put a curse on his genital region with a voodoo doll…But I was upset. NOT the fact that he broke up with me, because looking back, I can see that he was NOT the right person for me. I mean I JUST can’t be with a man who doesn’t eat cheese! That’s not right! I was purely upset that he had lied to me for so many months about so many things, and for NO reason. If he had said “hey ya know I just don’t think I wanna be in a relationship right now” I would have been very cool with that. If he had said “HEY! I wanna go out and be a big o’ Mack daddy playah pimp, and get crabs” I would said. “Ok have fun, see ya!…But I wouldn’t have been angry. So why did he lie? I dunno. I don’t even think he knows. It’s not like I was gonna throw myself off a cliff with a note pinned to my chest that it was all his fault. I really hope some day “Chef” finds someone that makes him happy so he doesn’t have to lie, cause he missed out on this “Princezz”.

Before Chef there was “Turd Of the Month”. He received that lovely name from my daughter after he lied to me. His lie was the most ridiculous one yet! I had sent him flowers for a special occasion. Tulips, because our first conversation was about tulips. When I called to ask if he had received them he said “Yes, they are wonderful, I put them in a vase on my desk!” I asked him if he liked what I wrote in the card, and he claimed there was no card. So I screamed at some pour lady at the flower place for screwing up my order. I went to visit him (he lived 6 hours away) the next weekend. When I got there I noticed the box the flowers came in, with the flowers dead STILL in the box WITH the card just as it came. Ok so he doesn’t like flowers or whatever…So just SAY SO. DON’T LIE about it. I spent 9 months with this guy. I eventually broke up with him. HE is still lying too! He sends me e-mails every once in a while letting me know “I still love you”.

There was “Granite” that lied about not having a girlfriend—he DID!

There was “Convict” that lied about why he had gone to jail

There was “I’m not Gay” who..Um yeah sure yer not buddy!

There was “Chester” who lied about the age of girls he preferred—ewww!

So why? Why do men lie about….Everything? Just man-up and be honest. Why do you think women act like crazed hyena? Because you have driven us insane!

OK why is it that as you get older you start to wake up earlier and earlier? Everyone in my family is a morning person, except for myself and my daughter. My grandmother has terrible insomnia so she is up all night reading and dozing. Even then she still wakes up before most farm animals around 3:00 Am. My mother is exactly the same way. She goes to bed rather early in the evening and then wakes up in the middle of the night, and watches all the video of the TV she just missed by going to bed early. Now doesn’t it make more sense to actually stay up and watch the TV, then sleep in to a reasonable hour? I dunno let’s say…6? Today I was groggily driving to Starbucks on my way to work. I see an elderly gentleman walking his dog along the sidewalk. It’s 6:45, and this guy is showered, dressed (poorly I might add) and walking his dog down the road BEFORE 7? What the heck is that about? I mean yes, ok maybe the poor pooch was doing the pee pee dance or something, but I know these people have yards to take their dogs into. That does not require you to get showered, or get dressed in your snazzy straw hat. I just don’t get it. I get up at 5:30 every morning, but that’s because I HAVE to in order to look this good before work, and get to Starbucks before the rest of the “morning people” so I can get my muffin they are always out of if I run late. If I were retired however, I would sleep in. I mean you work your entire life getting up early, and now you have this wonderful opportunity to sleep in and you walk down the street in your terrible straw hat, while walking your “feeder dog”. WHY OH WHY?!?!

Are YOU a morning person? Let me know what you think!

I admit it. I have road rage. I have a problem with drivers that are inconsiderate, and/or stupid. The sad thing is, I don’t even live in an area where there is a lot of traffic like L. A. Or something. I live in a nice, easy going area where everyone is nice to each other until one of two things happens.

1. The locals get behind the wheel of their cars and become retarded.

2. Valley people(That would be The San Joaquin Valley for those of you who have no idea) come over and try to drive, and apparently when they hit the county line THEY become retarded.

Jen B who rides with me most of the time finds my rage amusing, and I am sure she can tell you some stories about our road trips. I come up with catchy names for some of our “slower” friends on the road. I yell at them as if they can hear me. I curse their first born children. I really just want them all to be swallowed up into a vast crevice in the ground. If you drive like this, and you know who you are…HERE is some advice.

You people who drive in the “Fast” lane, going 65 and under, move over into the slower lane. I don’t care if you think you are doing us all a favor by saving our lives! YOU are not, because if I wanna go faster I will go around you…It may be on the right hand side after I called you a bunch of names, and gave you a dirty look on the way by, but it WILL Happen!! Please don’t worry about the ticket I am about to get. That’s MY problem. You know what? MOVE THE HELL OVER! Then, as I am being pulled over by the nice CHP officer you get your chance to laugh and mock me. If you didn’t move over than SCREW YOU! You get no mocking rights!

You people who cannot merge onto the freeway without causing people to slam on their breaks. Just go sell your car, and take the bus because you people are moronic! How hard is it to merge into traffic? Everyday I get on the freeway on my way home from work. Everyday there is some person that does not understand that you need to SPEED UP to merge with on coming traffic, or else you WILL get plowed into, most likely by one of my movers in a big truck.

You people who drive really really slow in the fast lane, right NEXT TO the slow person in the slow lane. YOU cause people to have to sit behind you and wish harm on you. Do us all a favor and find the nearest cliff and drive off of it, you have no business being on the road!

You people who pull out in front of me and cause me to slam on my breaks in order to NOT hit you, next time I WILL hit you. I needed a new car anyway and YOU will being paying for it…So just DON’T do it! I mean you can see me coming, it’s a white car with a HOT PINK Princess license plate on the front how do you miss that?

You old people who are still driving? STOP! You scare the hell out of me and the rest of the planet. You drive UNDER the posted speed limit, your hearing is gone, your sight is gone, and you can barely see over the steering wheel. I will take you to your appointments if you PLEASE Surrender your license NOW! Oh and to the DMV that is giving these people licenses: What the hell are YOU thinking?!?!?

You people who try to pass 5 cars on a two lane road with oncoming traffic (valley people on their way to the coast) just stay in your house, play video games and eat soup. YOU are a danger to yourself and everyone around you.

You people who drive drunk, just don’t! This is a serious one. I mean how hard is it to find some poor pathetic friend who doesn’t have a car of her own and force her to be your designated driver? Stumble home, pass out in the parking lot, find some guy and talk him into giving you a ride home for “Favors” JUST DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE! If you drink and you drive and you kill someone I think you should be tied to a train track and run over by “CG”. I think he would do it too!

I feel better now.

So The Lube Bear went over nicely at work this morning. They were all excited about the prospect of Free Lube, even if in Jen B.’s profesional opinion it’s crap. In fact one of the crew actually gave me a new little saying for “Lube Bear”.

“ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT VAGINAL DRYNESS!”

It’s too early for talk of vaginal dryness and pooh stories.

OK so everyday in my E-mail I get some Freebie Of The Day thingy. It’s left over from my first days on the internet when I ran a porn site…er I mean a Freebie site called Debi’s Playground. Sometimes I still read this mail, and usually there are random household cleaners, make-up samples, and of course Jelly Bellys. I am a generous person so today I thought I would give something back to the blog-world, by sharing with you…

MY FREEBIE OF THE DAY

Free Astroglide Personal Lubricant

I hope you are all as excited as I am about it!

P.S. Cute Guy, pay careful attention to the above link!

When last we left Cute guy he had recently derailed his train. NO not figuratively. He REALLY did derail which put him away from town for several days. When he called me again he was down in Long Beach running a train down there. Well sometime between the time he ran that train to Long Beach and Sunday he got two new tattoos. I’m not overly excited by men with tattoos like Jen B. Is. I am more into the nerdy, clean cut, type, but he has such great teeth! The thought of CG with MORE tattoos verges on horrifying me. I mean it’s his body he can go from head to toe if he really wants, and hey that’s kewl and all, but why wake me up to tell me about it? Does this man ever sleep? When he called me today at work (he lost my work number again and ended up calling my cell—grrr) he had to ask me yet again “You don’t like tattoos?”

I explained “I am not into so many tats on one person, but whatever since we aren’t dating it doesn’t matter. You only call me when you are bored.”

“He laughed and said you don’t know what’s in my head”

Yes Ice Palace fans, that’s right I don’t know what’s in his head (besides rocks), and at this point I don’t really care. I was better off pursuing Anthony from eHarmony, at least he knew what he wanted…….. It just wasn’t me!

*sigh* Back To The Drawing Board….