The Ice Palace

I have lots of hobbies. I truly enjoy that. I get out, and meet people, and laugh and live. I had a friend tell me “she doesn’t wear the badge of busy”. I think if that works for you, then awesome. However, I don’t feel like I am too busy. I feel like I am living a full life and that works for me. I wasn’t always like that though. I always did the hobbies my husband/boyfriend wanted to do. I didn’t go do things *I* wanted to do unless I had someone with me.

I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned in my life in the last nine years. I don’t ever want to go back to being that person.

I used to be a desperate individual. I don’t ever want to NEED a man in my life so bad that I feel depressed if I don’t have one. I thought if I didn’t have a date, or a boyfriend constantly that I was less of a person. I thought that if I went to events and family gatherings without a man I would some how be chastised. I was delusional. I let myself be abused, put down, used, stolen from, belittled, and cheated on… all in the name of “love”.  I stayed with one man because I thought that if I left him I would have no place to go, that I somehow NEEDED him to support and take care of me and the kids. I was wrong, and I suffered for it. My children suffered for it. Sure there are days when I get up and think “wow this is hard to do on my own” but at the end of the day I DID do it on my own, and the feeling of accomplishment, and pride I get is worth it.

I see women in my life letting men use them, and walk all over them, cheat on, and abuse them. I see women stay in bad relationships for all the wrong reasons, and I want to scream at these women to get out. I want to tell them they will be OK out there, and their kids will be better off, and the whole family can be healthier. I want to clunk them over the head with a giant club of wisdom. Unfortunately I remember being in that place. That place that makes you feel like being alone is a bad thing. It’s not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there. You just have to want it. You have to be brave enough to seek it out.

Yes, as humans we need other humans, and companionship. However, we can get that from lots of sources. It doesn’t always have to be in the arms of a man. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t going to be happy with someone else, unless I was able to be happy with JUST me. I had a lot of ME to work on. I guess maybe that was the plan all along. Maybe I just needed to get healthy and be a strong, independent woman. That way when someone special came along I could be in a healthy relationship, not a needy one.

…and drink

A typical weekday morning starts out very chaotic for me. Not because I am unorganized, but because I have a teenager in the house.  By the time I am ready to drive out of town for work, I am ready to have a shot of Jager. I am frazzled. My stomach hurts, my blood pressure is through the roof, and I kinda feel like I could punch a kitten if it looked at me wrong. (No kittens were harmed in the writing of this blog)

This was my morning…

• Get up
• Wake son up
• Go pee (shut up! you all pee in the morning)
• wake son up
• wake son up
• wake son up
• wake son up (I only have one son)
• badger son to take the dog out - give up
• take dog out myself since son is still rolling about in bed.
• wake son up… again - tell him to go outside and shake the water out of the tent in the yard so it will drive all day. (I need this for Pirate faire this weekend)
• take shower
• make sure son is getting dressed
• get contacts in
• make sure son is still getting dressed (wth? why does it take him so long to put on a shirt and pants?)
• get dressed
• send son downstairs to eat breakfast
• put on half of make-up
• go downstairs and tell son to eat breakfast - stop staring at the wall
• put on other half of make-up
• go downstairs and tell son to stop staring at the wall and get things in the car
• check tent - it’s still a pond - tell son to get water out of the tent - again
• dry hair
• yell downstairs to son “brush your teeth” (and yes he would forget- ewww)
• put on earrings
• make bed
• put away PJ’s
• go downstairs and freak out about the mess son has made getting cereal
• wonder what scissors were used for in the making of cereal - forget it I don’t wanna know
• put scissors away
• grab breakfast
• Son is tripping over his own feet
• grab purse, keys and cell phone stacked neatly on the secretary
• walk by and see the tent is still a pond - I shall have to kill him now.
• get dog in car (he comes to work with me), get in car
• get out of car and unlock the door because son forgot cell phone
• get in car - again
• drive away
• son says he forgot some homework
• mom says too damn bad
• drop son off at school
• drive to the nearest Starbucks and order a cracktastic mocha
• tell son’s father about son’s homework problems at school - dad is less than helpful
• hang upon dad
• Room mate calls and says we should sell the son to the highest bidder
• drive to work, trying not to have road rage (failed)
• Get to work see that someone from the OTHER building is parked in our parking lot
• walk in office, sit down at desk and cry.

I will have to do this all over again tomorrow… someone please kill me?

Today I wasn’t going to go to Starbucks, but as I drove to work, I started feeling like I just needed a little Monday jolt of coffee goodness. I ordered my usual. Triple venti, non fat, mocha no whip. I get to the window and the little whelp working in the window says that will be $4.40 ma’am. Now if I were in the south I would expect that… but here in California unless you look 40 you don’t usually get called ma’am. I’m NOT 40… I don’t LOOK 40. OMG… or maybe I do? Could she see the grey hairs peeking out from behind all the dark ones? Could she hear the creaking in my bones as I moved to grab the coffee? OY! How did this happen? When did I hit that magical day when I get called Ma’am? *sigh*

A Bunch Of Random Thoughts…

There are only 4 more days before I leave for Pirate Faire. I am excited. I can’t wait to dress up like a crazy pirate, and run around all day drinking, flirting, and saying “Arrrrr”. Unless it rains, and then, well I am going to do all of the above, very wet.

There are only 2 more days till I can play Warhammer online again. YAY, the geeky side of me really is excited about this.

I am kind of addicted to watermelon Jolly Rancher candies.

She’s 18.

She Has No Job, No Education, No Car, and yet she knows EVERYTHING.

Oh to be… Young Insane again.

Let me give you a little background story first. I manage a moving company, and sometimes, we are also a receiving/delivery company, for local contracting projects like hotels, hospitals etc. We receive the freight, store it in our warehouse, and deliver it when the project is completed. This means that when some freight comes in they have to give me notice due to the fact that we aren’t a staffed warehouse, and there is no way I am going out there and jumping on the forklift to receive that.

About two years ago we had a cancer center being built here, so we ended up with the contract for reciving, and storing the freight. Drivers would always try and drop their loads (I know that sounds dirty) here without calling ahead. I would always have to be a raging bitch and tell them, no way without prior aproval. I proceeded to annoy every freight driver in the county during this project. Except one.

His name is Mike. I only know this because he writes it on the freight bill. He’s not uber hot or anything like that but, kind of cute in a nerdy sort of way, and I tend to like nerdy guys. Every time he has had a delivery for the last two years he has flirted with me when he came in. One time he even offered to open the roll-up door for me. I don’t see him as much as I used to so he seems to talk to me longer each time he comes by. I decided the next time he was here I would flirt with him first and see what happens.

Fast forward to yesterday…

I have to schedule a pick up of a broken TV, so I call his freight line and have them send me a driver. I had a feeling it would be him, so I stayed in the office to wait for him, rather than go home early like I usually do. He showed up after receiving hours as usual, and honked his horn to let me know he was here. I put on lip gloss (you know the kind from Avon that makes your lips look wet and pouty?) and tossed my hair, and walked out into the warehouse. He was waiting when I opened the roll-up door with a big grin. Here was my chance.

I thought to myself “Say something clever, Debi”

I said as I pointed to the broken TV “I assume you are here to pick that up?”

What the hell? That wasn’t clever!

As I handed him the bill of lading so he could put a tracking label on it, I thought “wow, what a dolt… ok try again” of course… he beat me to it.

Mike: “Hey, I like that top you are wearing today. You just look really cute today!”

Me: “Oh! Thanks, my girlfriend says I look like a gay peacock in it.”<—insert WTF did I just say look here

Mike: ” Well she’s wrong you look great”

Me: “uh, thanks! I’ll run in and make a copy of this for you” <—again…What the hell? That’s NOT clever… or flirty… and mostly lame.

So I come back out with his copy, and I know he is about to leave after he fills up his water bottle, so it’s my last chance… what do I say?

Me: “Well, I probably won’t see you again for a while, since the market is so slow”

Mike: Yeah, I’m not hauling as much… well you have a nice afternoon Debi” (he lingers)

I say thanks, and stand there like a deer caught in car headlights. I drop the roll-up door down, and watch him drive away. I am completely lame. I have no flirt skills anymore. How did this happen?

*Bangs Head On Desk*