The Ice Palace

S. and I had been talking all week off and on . Mostly he would text, and I would read them and roll my eyes. He said he was going to come see me on Saturday. On Wednesday I started feeling that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. What if he really showed up? What the hell would I say to him at this point? I knew I shouldn’t believe that he wanted to come see me. I knew when he said he loved me I shouldn’t believe anything he said. I knew, but I hoped that I was wrong. I wanted to give him that chance to come see me. I frankly wanted to confront him about everything in person. I knew I shouldn’t have even been talking to him, but I did.  Sadly he told me he would be leaving at 1pm… it’s 5pm and he’s not here. He should have been here an hour ago. He won’t answer his phone or his text messages.

He Lied… again. I didn’t really believe he was coming, until this morning when he hadn’t canceled. I never though he would just not show up and stop talking to me like this. It’s all very reminiscent of a vacation that I wasted 3 years ago waiting for SG to show up. I’m sitting here in shock. I don’t know what I am more in shock about though. The fact that I let myself hope that he would come see me, or the fact that he didn’t come see me, or even make up one of his lame excuses.

I am shattered, broken, torn in half yet again… still.

Again, this all comes down to how could someone do this to me? WHY? I trusted. I loved, I gave everything. How could someone be so mean and cruel to another person. I could never do what he has done to anyone. Never.

Are there no honest people out there anymore? No morals? NO scruples?

It’s amazing how fast things can change in my life sometimes. It’s been a little over a week since I wrote my last post, and I am already feeling better. I think a lot of it has to do with some of the most awesome friends a girl could have.

Well I did it. I changed my facebook status to single. I guess I knew I was single for the past two months, I just was hoping I was wrong. No one wants to admit they were a fool. No one wants to admit that they let someone treat them less than they are worth. What I don’t understand is how something like this happened to someone like me. I haven’t let anyone in this close in a long time. I was careful. I didn’t let guys stay at my house overnight. I didn’t let anyone sleep in my bed. I didn’t do anything that could take away the safety of my apartment. When relationships ended there were no memories there, it was neutral territory, it was safe. I didn’t let myself think of forever, or happily ever after. I didn’t use the word marriage. I didn’t think what it would be like to decorate the house for Christmas with someone else. I just didn’t let myself get hurt. I used to think maybe I was too safe. Maybe I was missing out on something… I was… The horrible pain that creeps in when you least expect it. That gut wrenching feeling you get when you know in your heart something bad is about to happen. When every time your phone rings you wonder if this is the call that he says it’s over. I think my pain was worse. He never did tell me it was over. He just kept telling me he loved me, and wanted to be with me. However, his behavior changed, and he went from wanting to be with me and missing me to being too busy to talk to me. Too busy to see me. That’s not the kind of love I want. That’s not love at all. I don’t know what that is. Maybe I met the replacement mayor of crazy town since I am vacating that seat this term!

In any event I found out who my friends are that I can count on when pooh happens. I found out that one of my friends who I thought was a complete cad, really is a good person. He’s the first one I ran to when all of this happened. I don’t know why I picked him. I guess I thought if anyone would understand what I was going through it would be P. since he had recently gone through a fairy tale romance that ended kind of odd to say the least. He really stepped up to the plate and helped me feel better about everything. He even said he would support me if I chose to continue down this path of retardation.  He will never know what it meant to me that he got me out of the house for some of the best Sushi in the world.  I have a feeling this cad will be a life long friend and that’s ok with me. I’m still going to have to tell him to “get out” of my tent at faire though.

I am very blessed with a handful of inner circle friends who I can tell anything to no matter what, and know that they will love me even if I make a bad choice, and when I do they will be there to say “come on let’s go get chocolate he was ugly and I hated his last name anyway”. I am also blessed with some people in my life that I have never met face to face, but I love them like family. When I was feeling lowest in those days a few weeks ago they were there lifting me up and reminding me of my self worth. Reminding me of who I am and where I came from. Reminding me that I do have a lot to offer someone who actually wants it. Reminding me that I don’t have to find Mr. right before I am 40.

Then someone comes along and makes you forget about all the crap you put yourself through for the last 8 weeks. Someone who wants to makes you a valentine out of bow-tie pasta.

Alone on Valentine’s day. Miserable. I went to visit friends out of town this weekend hoping it would make me forget all about my situation, and how it’s making me feel. I was hoping that it would give me the strength and courage to face this, and do what I need to do. It didn’t.

I am sitting here waiting for S. to call me so I can confront him on things. Why? He’s not ever going to tell me the answers I want. He is never going to tell me that he is married, or looking for other women on line, or using me, or what ever the hell he is doing. He’s never going to admit that all of this was a big game… for what I don’t know… I will never know. That is just going to have to be enough for me. I am just going to have to find a way to move on with my life without him.

Even if all of this was a huge mistake, he’s not willing to fight for our relationship, and I am better than that. I hate that I have to end this. I hate that all of my dreams are over. I hate that everything I thought was real, isn’t.

Why? Why did he come into my life and do what he has done to me? Doesn’t he see that he has hurt another human being? Doesn’t he care how much this will effect me for the rest of my life? Doesn’t he see how this will continue to effect people around me and my future happiness? Hw can someone do that to another person. I will never understand this.

I wrote a blog a while back called. “I’m OK.” It was telling the world that I was OK alone, and that I would rather be alone then in a bad relationship. So why then do I find myself sitting here writing this blog, torn on what I should do? Because…

I am hurting. I am so very devistated at the thought of having to break up with S. I don’t know how to even explain my grief, or even why I am so much more grief stricken about this relationship than others in my past. I know I haven’t invested all that  much time in him, but I have invested my entire heart. I know I know. What was *I* thinking?

He lied to me. It’s all there in black and white. The picture, the words, the name, it’s all him. right there on PlentyOfFish.com. How long has it been there? Has it always been there? How many women has he done this to? Women with children, women without kids, women who are lonely, and think they are finding the man of their dreams, and who knows what else? Why? Why did he do this to me? I think I want that one answered more than any of the others. We come from the same town, the same school, the same classroom. I wasn’t hurting anyone. I was on there, minding my own business just looking for the same thing every woman wants, to find love. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t deserve this. I was a perfect girlfriend, and all he had to do was tell me he wanted out and I would have left. I would have been hurt, but I still would have let him go on his way. Instead he still says to me that he loves me and wants to be with me. How? Why? WHAT? Perhaps he wnats a harem? I just don’t understand any of this, and that is what makes this so absolutely devistating. I won’t get the closure I need. I will have to go on with my life always wondering why. That’s not fair.

Self Honesty time? I guess I was so in love with the idea of being in love, someone loving me, and the idea that I had could finally have my happily ever after, that I was willing to just go head first into this relationship. I even let myself see “signs” we were destined to be together. Maybe it was a sympton of finding myself alone at almost 40. I guess I always just saw myself remarried by the time I was 40, living out the rest of my life traveling with the man of my dreams. Instead I find myself premenapausal, and horribly alone.

I thought weeks ago that it was over. I asked God where he wanted me to be, and if he didn’t want me to be in this relationship, then he needed to end it. He put sign after sign in front of my face, and I pushed them out of the way and ran right into the ditch. I wanted the signs to be worng. I wanted to believe that S. would never hurt me. I wanted to believe that all the words S. said in the beginning were true, and the person I have come to know the last month was not the real S. I wanted to believe that he truly loved me. I guess I just wanted to believe that someone like HIM could love someone like me. Maybe I just wanted to believe in someone for a change. How can I ever give anyone another chance? What if no one ever wants a chance again?

I didn’t continue dating that guy back in October. He wasn’t the right guy for me. Was it because of RFG? (Although I am sure if you asked him, he would say I have deep buried feelings for him.) I will never know. I started dating someone else shortly after that. We will call him S. S had me at the first text message of “Good Morning Beautiful” It was so sweet, and the romantic, charm just kept coming until I was over the moon for him. I am still with him. I love him. I can honestly say that I deeply love someone again. It’s taken a long time for me to let someone this into my life again. I dropped some walls. I trusted. I let someone come into my house, and my heart.  We started planning a future together. Everything Is perfect.. or was…. or is. I don’t really know anymore.

One night a couple of weeks ago I got an email on Myspace from a man I had never met, letting me know that the love of my life, was in fact, married. Of course I called and woke up S. and asked him what the heck was going on! Neither of us knew this man, but after looking through his friends I recognized one of the people on his friends list as a mutuial friend of S.

When I asked this random guy who he was, he replied with “A friend of a gal who he has been saying he wants to be with but she found out he was married with kids.”

My heart sank. I knew right then all the past hurt and lies from all the men of my past would come flooding to the surface. They did. I talked to S about it and he told me that she was a girl he had talked to prior to me, that he had not even met. I did a little google research and confirmed that he is not married, and even though I didn’t really believe he was married, it made me feel better to have that in black and white. Why did this woman do that to me? I’ll never know. Unfortunately that doubt seed was planted. Now I constantly have this feeling of impending doom. It’s like it’s too good to be true, and I let myself get too deep too soon.

I keep walking on this tight rope of sanity. I go from “everything is so aboslutely wonderful and perfect, and back to normal” to “why hasn’t he text me in 3 hours, and why didn’t he say I love you this time?” I know he would say *I* am doing this to myself. Maybe I am. Maybe all those little signs I thought I saw, I wanted to see. What if this isn’t fate? What if the princess  does not get to keep her prince at the end of this fairytale? What if fairy tales don’t really come true?

What if the reason I feel like this is because there is someone else? What if someone bigger than me is trying to tell me that?

No matter what happens at the end of this story I better end up with a tiara dammit!