The Ice Palace

I have some really great friends. I really do, and I love that some of them care enough about me to call and check on me and make sure I haven’t thrown myself off a cliff with a note pinned to my chest saying ” It’s All S’s Fault”.  I love that some of them want me to get out and have fun and get my mind off of everything.

However, I don’t want people to call me just to ask what crazy thing S. did now. He texts me. I read it. The End. I understand that I am like a celebrity and my life is like a tabloid, but really? Do you have to keep asking me every day about S.? OK OK It was funny to mock me and my past relationship for all of like 5 minutes, but now it’s just dredging up things that I would rather leave in my past. I made a mistake. I trusted someone that turned out to be a cad. I fell for a guy blah blah blah… move on nothing to see here. If you want me to move on… then oh I don’t know… maybe you should LET ME!?

I’m not the person I used to be. I’m not going to let S. back into my life JUST because you think I am. Just because I don’t answer my phone and share every sorted detail of how I feel about S. today with you doesn’t mean I am sharing it with everyone BUT you. Maybe I just really am tired of talking about it… or in this case being accused of being stupid. Maybe JUST Maybe I really am ok?

Why? Why Canada did you close your Olympic winter games ceremony with giant inflatable beavers? Really?! WTF were you thinking?

Come on now Canada, take my hand and follow along. We already mock the way you speak, eh. We mock you for Avril Lavigne. We mock you for being the kind of country you can run to when you don’t want to stand up and fight for the freedom of your people. We mock you for sooo much more… and now this?

Who was it that suggested the beaver balloons? Did you put him in front of some brightly dressed Canadian mounties and shoot him this morning? You should have. When he stood up in that planning meeting and shouted. “I know! We will have GIANT INFLATABLE BEAVERS!” Didn’t anyone in the room snicker? Really? NO?! Hmmm I would have… but maybe that’s just me.

The poor poor people who had to carry those things seemed so happy and smiley! The were walking into the arena all “Oh look at me I am a giant inflatable beaver balloon holder! YAY!” NO.. NO it’s not yay. It’s Lame. YOU sir are LAME!

Now because of this beaver balloon incident I can’t take Canada seriously.  Not that I could before… I’m just saying.

S. and I had been talking all week off and on . Mostly he would text, and I would read them and roll my eyes. He said he was going to come see me on Saturday. On Wednesday I started feeling that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. What if he really showed up? What the hell would I say to him at this point? I knew I shouldn’t believe that he wanted to come see me. I knew when he said he loved me I shouldn’t believe anything he said. I knew, but I hoped that I was wrong. I wanted to give him that chance to come see me. I frankly wanted to confront him about everything in person. I knew I shouldn’t have even been talking to him, but I did.  Sadly he told me he would be leaving at 1pm… it’s 5pm and he’s not here. He should have been here an hour ago. He won’t answer his phone or his text messages.

He Lied… again. I didn’t really believe he was coming, until this morning when he hadn’t canceled. I never though he would just not show up and stop talking to me like this. It’s all very reminiscent of a vacation that I wasted 3 years ago waiting for SG to show up. I’m sitting here in shock. I don’t know what I am more in shock about though. The fact that I let myself hope that he would come see me, or the fact that he didn’t come see me, or even make up one of his lame excuses.

I am shattered, broken, torn in half yet again… still.

Again, this all comes down to how could someone do this to me? WHY? I trusted. I loved, I gave everything. How could someone be so mean and cruel to another person. I could never do what he has done to anyone. Never.

Are there no honest people out there anymore? No morals? NO scruples?

It’s amazing how fast things can change in my life sometimes. It’s been a little over a week since I wrote my last post, and I am already feeling better. I think a lot of it has to do with some of the most awesome friends a girl could have.

Well I did it. I changed my facebook status to single. I guess I knew I was single for the past two months, I just was hoping I was wrong. No one wants to admit they were a fool. No one wants to admit that they let someone treat them less than they are worth. What I don’t understand is how something like this happened to someone like me. I haven’t let anyone in this close in a long time. I was careful. I didn’t let guys stay at my house overnight. I didn’t let anyone sleep in my bed. I didn’t do anything that could take away the safety of my apartment. When relationships ended there were no memories there, it was neutral territory, it was safe. I didn’t let myself think of forever, or happily ever after. I didn’t use the word marriage. I didn’t think what it would be like to decorate the house for Christmas with someone else. I just didn’t let myself get hurt. I used to think maybe I was too safe. Maybe I was missing out on something… I was… The horrible pain that creeps in when you least expect it. That gut wrenching feeling you get when you know in your heart something bad is about to happen. When every time your phone rings you wonder if this is the call that he says it’s over. I think my pain was worse. He never did tell me it was over. He just kept telling me he loved me, and wanted to be with me. However, his behavior changed, and he went from wanting to be with me and missing me to being too busy to talk to me. Too busy to see me. That’s not the kind of love I want. That’s not love at all. I don’t know what that is. Maybe I met the replacement mayor of crazy town since I am vacating that seat this term!

In any event I found out who my friends are that I can count on when pooh happens. I found out that one of my friends who I thought was a complete cad, really is a good person. He’s the first one I ran to when all of this happened. I don’t know why I picked him. I guess I thought if anyone would understand what I was going through it would be P. since he had recently gone through a fairy tale romance that ended kind of odd to say the least. He really stepped up to the plate and helped me feel better about everything. He even said he would support me if I chose to continue down this path of retardation.  He will never know what it meant to me that he got me out of the house for some of the best Sushi in the world.  I have a feeling this cad will be a life long friend and that’s ok with me. I’m still going to have to tell him to “get out” of my tent at faire though.

I am very blessed with a handful of inner circle friends who I can tell anything to no matter what, and know that they will love me even if I make a bad choice, and when I do they will be there to say “come on let’s go get chocolate he was ugly and I hated his last name anyway”. I am also blessed with some people in my life that I have never met face to face, but I love them like family. When I was feeling lowest in those days a few weeks ago they were there lifting me up and reminding me of my self worth. Reminding me of who I am and where I came from. Reminding me that I do have a lot to offer someone who actually wants it. Reminding me that I don’t have to find Mr. right before I am 40.

Then someone comes along and makes you forget about all the crap you put yourself through for the last 8 weeks. Someone who wants to makes you a valentine out of bow-tie pasta.

Alone on Valentine’s day. Miserable. I went to visit friends out of town this weekend hoping it would make me forget all about my situation, and how it’s making me feel. I was hoping that it would give me the strength and courage to face this, and do what I need to do. It didn’t.

I am sitting here waiting for S. to call me so I can confront him on things. Why? He’s not ever going to tell me the answers I want. He is never going to tell me that he is married, or looking for other women on line, or using me, or what ever the hell he is doing. He’s never going to admit that all of this was a big game… for what I don’t know… I will never know. That is just going to have to be enough for me. I am just going to have to find a way to move on with my life without him.

Even if all of this was a huge mistake, he’s not willing to fight for our relationship, and I am better than that. I hate that I have to end this. I hate that all of my dreams are over. I hate that everything I thought was real, isn’t.

Why? Why did he come into my life and do what he has done to me? Doesn’t he see that he has hurt another human being? Doesn’t he care how much this will effect me for the rest of my life? Doesn’t he see how this will continue to effect people around me and my future happiness? Hw can someone do that to another person. I will never understand this.

I wrote a blog a while back called. “I’m OK.” It was telling the world that I was OK alone, and that I would rather be alone then in a bad relationship. So why then do I find myself sitting here writing this blog, torn on what I should do? Because…

I am hurting. I am so very devistated at the thought of having to break up with S. I don’t know how to even explain my grief, or even why I am so much more grief stricken about this relationship than others in my past. I know I haven’t invested all that  much time in him, but I have invested my entire heart. I know I know. What was *I* thinking?

He lied to me. It’s all there in black and white. The picture, the words, the name, it’s all him. right there on PlentyOfFish.com. How long has it been there? Has it always been there? How many women has he done this to? Women with children, women without kids, women who are lonely, and think they are finding the man of their dreams, and who knows what else? Why? Why did he do this to me? I think I want that one answered more than any of the others. We come from the same town, the same school, the same classroom. I wasn’t hurting anyone. I was on there, minding my own business just looking for the same thing every woman wants, to find love. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t deserve this. I was a perfect girlfriend, and all he had to do was tell me he wanted out and I would have left. I would have been hurt, but I still would have let him go on his way. Instead he still says to me that he loves me and wants to be with me. How? Why? WHAT? Perhaps he wnats a harem? I just don’t understand any of this, and that is what makes this so absolutely devistating. I won’t get the closure I need. I will have to go on with my life always wondering why. That’s not fair.

Self Honesty time? I guess I was so in love with the idea of being in love, someone loving me, and the idea that I had could finally have my happily ever after, that I was willing to just go head first into this relationship. I even let myself see “signs” we were destined to be together. Maybe it was a sympton of finding myself alone at almost 40. I guess I always just saw myself remarried by the time I was 40, living out the rest of my life traveling with the man of my dreams. Instead I find myself premenapausal, and horribly alone.

I thought weeks ago that it was over. I asked God where he wanted me to be, and if he didn’t want me to be in this relationship, then he needed to end it. He put sign after sign in front of my face, and I pushed them out of the way and ran right into the ditch. I wanted the signs to be worng. I wanted to believe that S. would never hurt me. I wanted to believe that all the words S. said in the beginning were true, and the person I have come to know the last month was not the real S. I wanted to believe that he truly loved me. I guess I just wanted to believe that someone like HIM could love someone like me. Maybe I just wanted to believe in someone for a change. How can I ever give anyone another chance? What if no one ever wants a chance again?

I didn’t continue dating that guy back in October. He wasn’t the right guy for me. Was it because of RFG? (Although I am sure if you asked him, he would say I have deep buried feelings for him.) I will never know. I started dating someone else shortly after that. We will call him S. S had me at the first text message of “Good Morning Beautiful” It was so sweet, and the romantic, charm just kept coming until I was over the moon for him. I am still with him. I love him. I can honestly say that I deeply love someone again. It’s taken a long time for me to let someone this into my life again. I dropped some walls. I trusted. I let someone come into my house, and my heart.  We started planning a future together. Everything Is perfect.. or was…. or is. I don’t really know anymore.

One night a couple of weeks ago I got an email on Myspace from a man I had never met, letting me know that the love of my life, was in fact, married. Of course I called and woke up S. and asked him what the heck was going on! Neither of us knew this man, but after looking through his friends I recognized one of the people on his friends list as a mutuial friend of S.

When I asked this random guy who he was, he replied with “A friend of a gal who he has been saying he wants to be with but she found out he was married with kids.”

My heart sank. I knew right then all the past hurt and lies from all the men of my past would come flooding to the surface. They did. I talked to S about it and he told me that she was a girl he had talked to prior to me, that he had not even met. I did a little google research and confirmed that he is not married, and even though I didn’t really believe he was married, it made me feel better to have that in black and white. Why did this woman do that to me? I’ll never know. Unfortunately that doubt seed was planted. Now I constantly have this feeling of impending doom. It’s like it’s too good to be true, and I let myself get too deep too soon.

I keep walking on this tight rope of sanity. I go from “everything is so aboslutely wonderful and perfect, and back to normal” to “why hasn’t he text me in 3 hours, and why didn’t he say I love you this time?” I know he would say *I* am doing this to myself. Maybe I am. Maybe all those little signs I thought I saw, I wanted to see. What if this isn’t fate? What if the princess  does not get to keep her prince at the end of this fairytale? What if fairy tales don’t really come true?

What if the reason I feel like this is because there is someone else? What if someone bigger than me is trying to tell me that?

No matter what happens at the end of this story I better end up with a tiara dammit!

Monty over at The Daily Bitch posted that November is National Drunken Blogging Month! Seriously? Isn’t every day “blog while you are drunk” day?

No?! Crap…

I have a feeling the way this week is going I will be able to add to the humiliation of my life by drunk blogging.

I’m js’in (just sayin’), it might happen… stay tuned!

I haven’t blogged in almost a year. I had lots to say, and lots of funny stories, and even some sad pathetic ones.. I know you are shocked. I guess I just didn’t feel like sharing. Tonight I don’t feel like sharing as much as I just feel like writing all my thoughts out here in cyberland.

I think I will start by reflecting on this last year a bit. It started off really well romantically. I met a very nice man who was interested in me in return. *cheer* Unfortunately after about 4 months of dating I realized that no, I am not in fact, attracted to men who smoke pot on a daily basis. I know, picky picky picky! So I ended that in a very quiet amicable way, never to hear from him again. I’m sooo ok with that too.

As Renaissance faire season set in things picked up for me socially and I didn’t even realize how fast the year was flying by. I was perfectly happy being single. The more men I met, the more I appreciated my single life, and my dog. Then something happened this summer that changed all that. I met someone at one of the ren faires I go to. I had met him before, I knew who he was, his name, and his reputation so I stayed far away from him and his guild. Then in a moment of weakness I gave in. There I was minding my own business walking down the lane at faire on my way to catch up with my daughter and her friend when he snuck up behind me and spoke to me. I stood there like a deer caught in the headlights of an on coming car. I wish I had known it would feel more like a bus when it hit me, or I would have sprinted away from him as fast as I could. He asked me if we had met before at another faire.  I told him we had but not the one he mentioned. He came back with some silly line that made me giggle like a school girl. He was actually funny, so the conversation continued on for part of the afternoon. He was charming. That dangerous kind of charming you know as an adult you should run away from, but cant. He was clever and funny, and seemed genuinely interested in talking to me. I knew he was only talking to me to get to talk to my guildmate but I couldn’t help it. I stood there and let myself believe for just a brief moment that maybe he wasn’t just after her and now that he was talking to me because he actually wanted to. I guess being at faire, a girl like me can get caught up in all the romance, pretend as it may be. We talked about music, and college football, and life. We seemed to have a ton of things in common. Before the end of the weekend we exchanged phone numbers, and I thought I had met a really awesome guy. I was still guarded and frankly never thought I would see him again until the next faire. Then he invited me to come spend labor day weekend with him. I was so excited, and nervous. I kept telling myself that he has a reputation at faire, but maybe just maybe, that’s just at faire, and if he met the right woman… blah blah blah We had been talking on the phone for almost two months and the more we talked the more I thought this may turn into something. Then I traveled three and half hours to see him.We had an amazing weekend. We had a lot of fun, he seemed to really like me and started calling me honey all weekend. I had no idea when I went to visit him I would care about him as much as I did. When I left I talked to him a bit about how I was feeling and what might happen from here, and that’s when the bus started approaching… He just wanted to be friends. He really liked me a lot as a friend. The friend word. Over and over he used that word, and the more I heard it the more I thought, how could I have just met someone I have so much in common with, had such a good time with, and was so attracted to, only to find out it’s not going to happen. Ever. I sobbed the entire three and a half hours driving home. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. I wanted to crawl under my covers and just die.Then it hit me, I have to see this man at faire… in a week. I have to snap out of this. I can’t let my guildmates see what a mess I’ve made. So I did. I snapped out of it and focused on the next faire and having fun with my guild. I did have a lot of fun the next two weekends, and yes I saw him, and things were just ok. Of course I wanted something more than friends, but for the sake of keeping the peace, and my sanity I had to suck it up and just pretend like I wasn’t over the moon for him. I saw him at pirate faire those weekends, then I saw him again at Vegas faire. In Vegas I was out to see my friend’s band play so I invited him out to hang out with us and he did come down and hang out, little did I know just hours earlier he had met someone at faire that he would be madly in love with in a matter of weeks. I was fine. I had stopped hoping, and praying that he would “come to his senses”. I was moving on, I was getting over him. Then he called me one weekend and invited me to come down and spend a weekend with him, he would take me to a football game, and we hang out like before. He was very flirty with me and even said he was looking forward to spending time with me again. (This is the part where the bus starts racing towards me again at full speed.) We had been texting all night, about baseball scores, when he stopped answering. “I said why aren’t you watching the game?” He texted back “because he is on a date with me.” I opened my phone and read those words and my heart just fell right out of my chest. He then replaied with” I am with someone I will call you tomorrow” I couldn’t believe that only a few hours ago he was telling me how much he wanted to be with me, and now he’s on a date, and she has his phone, and he is letting her text me? I wanted to punch something. Mostly him. In the junk. Instead I just sat there feeling the impact of that bus as it rolled over the top of me, dragging my heart out the door with it. I sat there in my livingroom staring at my phone, and thinking how can this be true? I must have sat there for hours in silence, just drinking glass after glass of booze. It was nearly dawn when I finally managed to drink enough to make me go to bed. The next day he explained that he had met this girl at faire and never even talked to her since, and out of the blue she asked him out, that afternoon. That was three weeks ago. We still text and talk, but just as friends, and because we are friends he shares what goes on in his life with me, including how much he thinks he loves her. I smile, and then I tell him how happy I am for him. A part of me truly is happy for him, but there is a part of me that wishes that it was me he was in love with with. Some day I hope that part of me just shrivels up and dies. All of my friends say things like, you are too good for him, but I know that they are just being good friends, and trying to make me feel better. I also know that even if this new person wasn’t in his life, I wouldn’t be. There are things in both of our lives that prevent us from being each others “one” right now.

I have been out on two dates with a very nice man, I am trying to move on but there is something missing with the new guy. He’s smart, funny, and really nice to me, I just don’t know what it is. RFG called tonight and I told him about the new guy, and I told him there was just something missing, and RFG said in jest “He’s not me?” Sadly I think he’s right, and until tonight I just didn’t want to admit that to myself. Sometimes I wish I never had to feel anything.

Does anyone know someone who can exorcise RFG from my brain?

I really enjoy my Sunday mornings. It’s nice on a chilly day to go downstairs and turn the kettle on for a cup of tea.

Today I sat there on my sofa this morning looking out my front window at the tree that I have looked at all the time I lived here. However, today I saw something different. It was almost living art. I watched the yellow and orange hued leaved as the danced to the ground, and wondered if enough people ever stopped and just looked and listened to what was around them? No TV. No Radio. No Cell phone. No Computer. Just being still. I think I would have sat their all day but was interrupted by the whistle of the tea kettle.

Take some time, find a quiet moment. It’s really worth it.